Journeys of the Spirit

A Half Piece of Bacon

2011-11-27T12:33:00.001-08:00

I am one of those truly blessed people who have parents who model an amazingly loving relationship. These two gentle spirited people met when they were 13, in the 7th grade. They went to the same parties, and had true feelings for each other. Some would have called it puppy love, but it is real to puppies. During the summer before 9th grade, dad's family moved to West LA, and mom came home crying that she would never see him again. Time went on, they both entered High School, were involved with year book, service organizations, music and sports at High School. WWII was on, dad went into the navy, and came home. He entered LA City College. He had remained friends with one of the guys in Jr High, who invited him to come in and double date for a night at the Paladium. Dad's friend was dating mom, casually. She got a friend of hers for dad. They met eyes, traded partners for one dance, and were back together again, forever this time. They went on to finish education, re-call to navy, beginning their family. . .

Now, married almost 62 years, very happily, they exemplify a love that is always mindful of the other, deferring to one another, in a very natural sort of way. It isn't in such a way that one always gives in. It is in the way that out of love for the other, they give. It is their joy to do so.

They have experienced difficulty, as most couples do in that long of marriage. The difficulties were financial, just in the way that they were middle class and so making the dollars stretch was often a challenge. They took care of their parents, had family difficulties with extended family, and worst of all, lost their son 10 years ago. But, where some couples turn on each other in difficulty, blaming the other, or becoming resentful, mom and dad never did. They continued deferring to the other, gladly sacrificing for the other or for the greater good.

Now, for the last 5 years, mom has had dementia. She no longer does any of the household chores, and sleeps a lot of the day. She has to be reminded to take her shower, she wouldn't remember taking her pills, so dad does it for her. She has gone through periods that have been difficult, in multiple hospitalizations, falls in the middle of the night, etc. Through it all, dad, at 84, continues to take care of of mom, even when it is beyond his ability to do. He tries to pick her up from the floor to get her back to bed. He will only ask for help if he's tried and cannot do it.

And this morning, on this Thanksgiving weekend, he made Waffles for the family while I made the bacon. We decided to go ahead and finish up the package of bacon, even though it would mean 3 of us would have 3 pieces of bacon, and one person would have 2. I put that thought out of my head, as I had decided to take the two pieces. But as we sat at the table, Dad said he had forgotten to get his bacon. I went back to the kitchen to get it for him, and there noticed 2 1/2 pieces of bacon. Looking at mom's plate, was the other 2 1/2 pieces.

This has to be the secret formula for a loving, happy, and wonderful marriage. It's so much more than the bacon, but an attitude of life. If everyone would do this, there would be no conflict in this world, and we would all be a lot happier.

Remembered

2011-11-13T17:36:00.000-08:00

Today, a memorial service was given to remember and honor a man who lived in a park nearby for nearly 30 years, and died there. To some, he was thought of as a homeless man. But what we were reminded of today by Bill's brother was that he was not homeless. He chose to live in a home made of trees, grass, with no walls, or rooftop. Bill's father was there, and said, "I was so afraid that no one would remember Bill." But much to his surprise, about 100 people came to give tribute to Bill. And while it was mentioned that he was schizophrenic and bi-polar, although it was mentioned that he drank a lot, to self medicate, greater attributes were given. He was: intelligent, well read, artistic, very caring, deeply spiritual, kind, gentle, and a lover of Star Wars, calling himself Darth Vader. He loved music, would give blessings to those who expressed care for him with the words, "Vaya con Dios!" He gave hugs, and kisses, even while dancing back and forth, on the boulevard.

Bill was part Native American, and so his life was lived in areas throughout the foothills. He tried to live with his family but was not able to maintain living in a home. He taught us all many lessons. He taught us compassion, he taught us that although Bill was mentally ill, he was a son, a brother, a cousin, a friend. He taught us many things through his intellect. He blessed us with his artistic prowess and creativity.

But while Bill's family were afraid no one would remember Bill. Over 100 people came to honor him. Stories were told, tears were shed, the word was proclaimed, but more than anything, Bill was remembered, and Bill will be remembered, for a very long time.

"We Remember Them" By, Rabbi Simcha Kling

"At the rising of the sun and it's going down we remember them.
At the blowing of the wind and in the still of winter, we remember them.
At the opening of the buds and the rebirth of spring, we remember them.
At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer, we remember them.
When we are lost and sick at heart, we remember them.
When we have decisions that are difficult to make, we remember them.
When we have achievements that are based on theirs, we remember them.
As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us, as we remember them."

Occupy

2011-10-28T23:50:00.000-07:00

The people have finally arrived at the place where they are saying, "Enough!" They are making strong statements that are definitive; closing accounts at Bank of America because they are tired of the banksters charging us to use our own money. This is just one of many examples. Tired of the wealthy getting even more wealthy off the backs of the middle class and the poor. Tired of our jobs being moved overseas, and when we protest, we are called lazy? Hippies? Commies? It's almost laughable . . . if it weren't so sad.

And the millionaires, the billionaires, the public officials who have sold their souls to the Corporate dollar are afraid. It was so much easier when the people were complacent and although frustrated, not doing anything about it. As long as they had us cynical and complacent, they could continue. Not anymore. The movement is all over the US, and all over the world. And it is just gathering momentum.Some guy from a conservative organization was going around handing out bongs and one of his cohorts taking pictures. I am sure it will show up on FOX News, just so they can continue their propaganda that these protestors are lazy, drug addicted, socialists trying to take over the country. But the truth is, it is the sons and daughters of Joe America, who did it the right way: they got good grades, went to college, only to come out of school with those degrees to find no jobs for them. It is the thousands of people who worked hard, bought a home, were raising their families, paid their mortgages, only to either lose their job, through downsizing, lose their health insurance, lose their homes. Or, paying the mortgage on time, month after month, even keeping their jobs, only to find that all their neighbors lost theirs and went into foreclosure, leaving them owing more money than the home is now worth. The bottom has dropped out, in more than one direction, and the people are angry, justifiably so. While the middle class struggle, the banksters were bailed out in order that they would help the home owners, but instead paid themselves bonuses. And are now claiming to be the victims in this. Bullshit. The banksters, mortgage companies, title companies, and insurance companies have made huge profits, at every level of the process, they have received huge tax breaks, While the rest of us are just trying to hold on. And they wonder why people are in the streets. How do you spell "Greedy Sociopath?"

Our country is on the brink of losing it's soul. We used to be a country that believed in the motto written on the statue of Liberty, "Bring me your poor, your huddled masses" Now we are more likely to throw them under the bus, so the millionaires can get that tax break on the new jet they use to lobby the politicians. So the people engage in a peaceful assembly, acting on their constitutional rights to protest, and the police come out in riot gear. Did you not notice this is a peaceful protest? Did you not notice that the protestors are picking up their trash in the parks? Did you not notice the RN's setting up first aide stations, and volunteering their time to care for those who might need medical assistance? Oakland police bring tear gas, rubber bullets, and projectiles to throw at the protestors. Why? Because they are taking care of each other? They hold a few posters with important messages on them? You need rubber bullets for. . . what? A US Marine just returned home from Iraq, where he went to "Defend our country." He put his life on the line, returns home, goes to the protest peacefully, and gets shot by a rubber bullet from his own countrymen; those men/women who are there to "protect and serve." RIGHT. This young veteran is now in critical condition. REALLY?? Is this what he fought for? Are these the principles of the US now?

I hope the people remain in the streets, in front of the places of power, and that there are plenty around to remind our elected officials who put them there, and just who they are representing. I hope the crowds grow, that people take their money out of the big banks, because after all, voting with our feet and our pocketbooks is the best way to vote. I hope the regulations are replaced that were there to protect the people, and that the American Dream can return and the American Nightmare can depart, never to return again.

Olivia

2011-07-20T23:41:00.000-07:00

She is 65, a mother of 4, and a wife of a man who has abused her most of their married life. She is dying of cancer, but in some ways she died years ago, as her soul was abused by one who said he loved her. Her family were all in the living room. Olivia sat on her bed, leaning against the wall, and her story unfolded. She looked me in the eye and said "Please pray for me that God will just take me. I want to die." She was speaking of her no longer wanting to struggle with the cancer that consumed her body, but also the pain of her home. She needed a place of peace. A place to find comfort, in a physical sense, but also in a spiritual sense. Ironically, her husband's erratic and abusive behavior had no hold on her anymore. She had already let go of any desire for life in this world.

We helped her get to a facility, where she could be peaceful, get rest, and be safe. She was there for a few days before her husband went to bring her back home, and he transferred her to another hospice, so we were unable to monitor her safety. I am assuming she is gone now. In some ways I hope she is. To have the ultimate peace, and end to her suffering. But I never got to say goodbye. Only in my heart. Be at peace, Olivia.

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T20:52:00.000-07:00

She sat on the edge of her bed, and looked over at the family portraits taken for her 50th anniversary. I knew what was on her heart as she looked at the pictures. It was confirmed when she stood up and took the one of her son, Tom in her hands, and held it close in her lap. She carefully put it back on the dresser and went in to get dressed. She came out and sat in her favorite window seat when I greeted her and told her "Happy Mother's day." She said. "Thank you. . . and then looked at me and completing her sentence said, "I miss Tom today." As I looked over at my own son, I understood. I told her, "I am sure you do, Mom. I cannot even imagine the loss you must feel."

And this Mother's Day, as with every other, she thinks of her children, even though only one is still present with her. But he was her firstborn. That birth that changed her life forever. That first time she felt the power of loving this little one on her chest more than words could express. And the power of that kind of love doesn't lessen, because of death. . . in fact that love is only felt that much more intensely, as she feels his absence.

Sibling Grief

2011-02-07T21:32:00.003-08:00

My brother and only sibling died 9 years ago of a massive heart attack at age 46. It was a complete shock to our family, and it is a loss that we all still feel daily. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't remember him, think about him, and miss him. Not that I haven't gone on and lived a full and often wonderfully rich life, but there is always that sense that a part of me is missing. His name is Tom. He is the one who shared my genetics, my life history, our family stories, and the joys and frustrations of family life. There were those stories of growing up that would make us crack up until there were tears running down our faces, just with the "remember when. . ." and we both knew the story. You just had to be there. . .

When a family member dies, the emphasis is usually placed on the spouse, the parents or the children, but the Siblings are usually passed over. . .not intentionally, but nevertheless, they are. There are certain things said like: " Well, it's so good that you are there to help your parents", or "how is his or her spouse and children doing?" But very few seem to acknowledge that the sibling is grieving as well. And they are often grieving just as strongly. Their grief is real, and re-defining.

In my case, it meant an added responsibility in that I am now the only child of elderly parents, with my mom having the beginning stages of dementia. Three years ago, I had both parents in the hospital, at the same time, during Christmas, and at one time in two different hospitals. Being that I am also a single mom, and a career woman presently serving as a hospice spiritual counselor, it was quite overwhelming. I would have shared that with my brother. At least he and I would have been a support system for each other. Now, when I think of my parents eventual dying it is with the realization that my family of origin will be gone, and it will be my son and I. It sometimes feels like abandonment, but others it just feels lonely. I have tried to think about it in more creative, or positive ways, like Tom being on one side of life and me on the other for my parents. But in the day to day living, it is a sense that I once had someone to share this life with and now he is gone. The platitudes of "he's in a better place" etc. don't comfort very often, even though I believe in life after death firmly.

Grief studies speak often about the grieving person needing to redefine who they are without that person. One of my supervisors speaks of grief as more than just the loss of the person, but what that person symbolized for us. So, as we examine our emotions and process of grieving, we must look at not only the life of the person we lost, but the ways in which we related to them, what role they played in our life; friend, shared interests, advice, or someone we "took care of." In families with multiple children, at least the remaining children have other siblings, but if that one sibling who died is the one that one of them was the closest to, or the one that there were conflicts with. their grief process will be effected, and may alter the relationships with their surviving siblings as well. There will often be a process of re-negotiating the roles that each person in the family may play.

What is important is that siblings grieve as strongly as others in the family do, and need to be given the same acknowledgment as each person in the family. Just as each person grieves in their own way, each family member grieves for the loss that is real to them. Brenda Marshall discovered as many others have as well, that there is very little written material out there for sibling grief. But just in my life, even in the last couple of years, I have had at least 6 friends who have lost a sibling, and we are all talking about the sense of responsibility we feel for the others in our families, but we have also all experienced the sense that even the reality of our grief process isn't acknowledged as the others' in the family. And yet, the sibling relationship is often one of the longest relationships in the deceased's life. Support should be given to all in the family, and not added pressure as the siblings are encouraged to take care of the parents, or the children etc.

The feeling of setting aside our own grief in order to take care of the others in the family is something that happens often, but is also destructive, and only prolongs the grief of the sibling. The grief does get easier, but it never goes away. It is important to have the space and time to nurture the emotions, and find the healing necessary.

From the Inside Out

2011-02-06T14:10:00.000-08:00

Today the message in church was how we operate in life as those who respond from the outside in? Or the Inside out? In other words, are we those who base our emotional being, our values, our psychological health, etc. on how things happen in the world around us, or do we base how we respond by our heart, our spirit, our sense of who we are because of God within?

If we are those who operate from the outside in, we will be tossed to and fro from whatever circumstances that happen in life, and we all know that life has it's good times and it's painful times. If we are guided by the outside circumstances, our emotions will be all over the place Our sense of who we are, our happiness will never be the same from one moment to the next. Worst of all, and outside in person becomes a victim to the circumstances of life.

But on the contrary, if we are those who operate from the inside out, we have an opportunity to go within and examine our hearts and our souls based on whatever circumstances may be happening in our life at the moment, and we can seek wisdom from within, listen to our hearts, seek God for wisdom, seek that place of secure hope that exists no matter what may befall us. It is from that place that creativity arises. It is from that place that new direction can occur even out of a tragedy, as we discover new things about ourselves; new strengths, or dreams that can be fulfilled based on the open door of a change in our lives. It is often in the difficult challenges of life that gifts can arise because we discover new things about ourselves that we never would have learned had it not been for the pain. It also empowers us to realize that no matter what happens to us, we are going to be ok, we will survive, and might even be more than conquerors.

One of the other points that was brought out today as that when we go inward, we are in touch with the dreams and visions of our lives, that many on the outside may be naysayers about. But if we move from the inside out, we are motivated by those dreams and visions that are given to us, no matter how others may try to discourage us. If we are guided by those dreams and visions we will move out and accomplish the unimaginable.

In my best moments, I am an inside out person. I have had too many difficult experiences where I needed to go within, and when I found that there was a strength there that carried me through. I have had too many experiences of God's presence and peace, even in the midst of deep pain, such as a death in the family, or a job loss, etc. Some of the circumstances were ones that did rock me to my core, but it was at my core that I found more than survival; I found a strength beyond my own, a new creative approach, and new understandings of myself; who I am, what is important, and who I am becoming, to know that going inside is far greater than going outside. I do not begin to claim that I am constantly an inside out person. It is not an easy thing to do, but on my best days. . . and I believe the best days are getting more frequent.

Violence vs." Blessed are the Peacemakers"

2011-01-10T20:24:00.000-08:00

We have experienced yet another act of violence in the USA, in a time that should have been a nice Sat. afternoon. Representative Giffords doing what she loved to do; meet with her constituents, and address their concerns. A young 9 year old girl attended out of excitement in meeting her congressional representative, after her own election in student government. But instead of excitement she lost her life, along with 5 others, and 19 injured, including Rep. Giffords. Instead of this being a nice Saturday, a troubled young man with a hatred of government, and paranoid characteristics, opened fire, changing the lives forever. January 8th, 2011 will live in our hearts for a long time, if not forever as a tragic day in our history.

My trouble with this is that there are so many factors that led up to this moment, that made this carnage possible. This incident didn't happen in a vacuum. We live in the most violent country of the "civilized" world. We have the least amount of gun control laws that would prevent these incidents, and Arizona has the weakest level of gun control laws in the US to protect the innocent. One of the most glaring to me, is why on earth a young man with mental problems can go in and legally purchase a gun. But he was able to do so. While I understand that gun control is not the only solution to this problem, it does have a huge part in whether or not this can happen again. Just ask the police officers all over our country.

We have had many glaring examples of very violent speech as well from right wing politicians, and commentators of late as well, including Sarah Palin, having a map of the US, with points on the map of political elections that she was "aiming for" to overcome. Those points on the map intentionally made to look like a scope of a gun, with the cross hairs. Her language was war like. "We don't retreat, we re-load." It is too easy to now say, "I didn't mean to shoot someone." It is a lie for her to say she doesn't like violence. It permeates her words continuously.

The candidate who ran against Rep. Giffords used the language of using an M-16, to "remove" her from her office, and Glenn Beck spoke openly on his show about wanting to "Kill" Michael Moore, and debated himself about whether he should do it on his own or hire someone. He concluded that he could do it himself and just put his hands around his neck. And I want to know when we got to the place of talking about killing someone for believing differently than us? And the answer is, slowly and one incident at a time. Somewhere along the line, we have failed to realize that we are talking about real human beings with families and friends, and colleagues, who love them. We have somehow become hardened or maybe numb to the violent language that barrages us through the movie screens, the Television screens, and especially in our political discourse of the last few years.

It has been said,

"This is a time of shame and sorrow. It is not a day for politics. I have saved this one opportunity, my only event of today, to speak briefly to you about the mindless menace of violence in America which again stains our land and every one of our lives. It is not the concern of any one race. The victims of the violence are black and white, rich and poor, young and old, famous and unknown. They are, most important of all, human beings whom other human beings loved and needed. No one - no matter where he lives or what he does - can be certain who will suffer from some senseless act of bloodshed. And yet it goes on and on and on in this country of ours. Why? What has violence ever accomplished? What has it ever created? No martyr's cause has ever been stilled by an assassin's bullet. No wrongs have ever been righted by riots and civil disorders. A sniper is only a coward, not a hero; and an uncontrolled, uncontrollable mob is only the voice of madness, not the voice of reason. Whenever any American's life is taken by another American unnecessarily - whether it is done in the name of the law or in the defiance of the law, by one man or a gang, in cold blood or in passion, in an attack of violence or in response to violence - whenever we tear at the fabric of the life which another man has painfully and clumsily woven for himself and his children, the whole nation is degraded. "

These words were spoken by Robert Kennedy, over 40 years ago, but the words speak so profoundly to us today. We obviously haven't learned much. We haven't developed as humanity to realize that violence solves nothing. We just keep perpetuating the cycle of violence over and over. On one of the many websites available for people to record their opinions or emotions of this incident in Tucson, some troubled soul stated that it was ok that the 9 year old girl was killed because she "most likely would have become a liberal politician anyway." What possesses a person to make such an unfeeling, and stupid comment? A 9 year old girl should die because of what she "might become?" What happens in a spirit or soul of someone that causes them to degrade themselves and the value of a life so much that they can make a statement such as this??

I have lots of questions, and a few answers for myself, but what I am convinced of is we need to tone down the rhetoric, speak up when people speak in violent tones, and not just walk away in disgust. The more we tolerate, the more it will continue. Although Jesus spoke of turning the cheek, he also turned over a few tables. But he never gave permission to kill another person. We each need to examine our own hearts, for those parts of us that have the potential for violence, and work to change our ways. We need to teach our children far better coping skills when confronted with issues of conflict, but we all need to be aware of the power of our words. Our words do have the potential to influence anothers' actions. We have the choice of speaking for peace or for violence. I choose peace.

Life's Meaning

2010-12-26T14:01:00.001-08:00

When is that time when one decides that their life has no meaning? When is that time within when one decides they are done and want to go on to the next life? The answer is it is different for each person, but my sense is that there is a time within each of us, that maybe even we cannot name until that moment hits. We just know. . . maybe in the same way we know when we are in love, or that we need to make a major change in our lives. It is an inner sense of discerning a change within that is very profound.

Phil is a 97 year old man. He is mentally sharp, has a family who loves him and is very attentive to him. He was married for 72 years, and his wife died this last Summer. But even before she died, Phil had this question within about why he was still alive. He cannot see well, he cannot hear well, so he doesn't feel that his life has quality anymore. My suspicion is also that he, as with so many males in our culture, Phil defines his self worth by what he does, more than who he is. He cannot do much at all these days.

The next step in his thinking, after his wife died was that he is in his daughter's way from being able to move ahead in her life, because she cares for him. This idea became a huge factor in Phil's thinking. It is not unlike many seniors whose biggest fear is that they will be a burden on their children. It is the thought my mom uttered that I wrote about not long ago, "I am so sorry I am ruining your life." No matter how many times Phil's daughter told him that he is not in her way, he continues to believe that he is. Is it more from within him, that he feels his life has no meaning, therefore he is just in others' way? I think so.

Phil stopped taking all his meds and eating 25 days ago. Early into his decision and refusal of food, we spoke to him about his decision. In many dialogues with him, we arrived at a place of realizing that rather than Phil making this decision from a place of depression, it was more like a place of hope. He wasn't committing suicide. He simply had come to a place of believing his life had no more meaning and he was ready to move on. As he has made this decision, we recorded him telling life stories, and messages that he wanted to leave for his family. Those recorded stories have been put on a DVD for his family to hold on to. This ability to do something like this for his family gave him a little perk. Those stories have continued, and his son and daughter have spent every day at his side listening and taking note. He has also met his great grandson for the first time and maybe that is what he is waiting for.

Whatever it is within each of us that causes us to believe our life has no more meaning, for Phil, he is committed to moving on. He has no sense of hunger. He drinks water only, and although he has lost weight, and is getting weaker, he is moving on, not running away. He is moving ahead to what he envisions as a better life; a more complete life. He is moving on to be reunited with his loved ones; the ones he has told countless stories about. The apostle Paul says, "To live is Christ and to die is gain." In some sense, that is also what Phil's belief is. When he looks at his life and death, he sees death as a gain.

What I can say is, in my time of discussing life and beliefs with Phil, It has been a very sacred time. He is an amazing person. I have gained much from knowing him, and have come to love him deeply. His soul and spirit have touched mine in ways that I think I will be processing for years to come. I do wish for him that his time to move on will happen soon. I commend his son and daughter for their love and respect for their dad that they have taken this time out of their own lives to sit and listen, to be with each other and with him. They too have walked a difficult journey, in being the recipients of judgement from those who do not understand their willingness to let him go by not eating. But each day they have looked within, they have asked him about his hunger, and offered him food if desired. But most of all, they have patiently waited and given their dad permission to go whenever he is ready. It hasn't been easy on them, but I suspect, they will look back on this time with no regrets, and will see it as an incredibly sacred time with Phil. It is my hope for them.

Sandwich

2010-11-14T19:39:00.000-08:00

I am in the sandwich generation. I am a daughter caring for elderly parents, and a mom raising a teenage son. There are times when that role is difficult, and many moments when it is a joy. But there are many moments when I am brought to tears as I watch my mom especially declining with Parkinsons and Dementia.

Recently, my mom has had a pretty rapid decline. Her body has uncontrollable tremors, that makes it difficult for her to hold an item in her hand and set it down, to walk, or to rearrange herself on the couch. She finds it difficult to get up from the couch as well, or out from the shower. She fell a couple of nights ago because her tremors hit her so hard as she was trying to sit down and she missed the chair. She scraped her elbow on the corner of the table. It could have been so much worse, but it was horrible enough. Later that evening, we were at the dinner table, and mom looked at me and said, "I am so sorry for how I am ruining your life." My heart sunk to my toes, and I told her, "You mean that I get to care for you, someone I love? That is not ruining my life." She was still trying to apologize, and I understand that within each of us is that fear that we are going to be a burden to those that we love. Her words stuck with me through the night. The next morning, I looked her in the eye, and said, "I want you to put that thought out of your heart and mind that you are ruining my life. I love you, and you cared for me throughout my life. It is now my turn to care for you. And even when it is not easy, it is my honor and privilege to care for you." She told me she loved me.

As a sandwich, we all have those periods where we are torn in two directions, and no matter which one we decide is the most important at the moment, there is an accompanying sense that we are missing out on or disappointing someone else. Because of mom's condition at the moment, I didn't feel comfortable going out of town in case my dad needed me to help with mom. But because of that decision, I missed my son's marching band competition. No matter which obligation I feel is the most important for the time, I am missing something else that can never be repeated.

As a sandwich, there are times when I would rather go read a book, or go dancing or a movie. There are times I need to remember that I need to do nurturing things for myself, and have some me time. Those moments are few and far between at the moment. There are times when the bologna in the middle is pressed in from both sides.

But at this point, I know that there will come a time when my parents will be gone, my son will be on his own, and I will be grieving their absence. It is in that moment of realization I dig deeper in my spirit for the strength, to make each moment what it is meant to be, and to make the most of the time we have. So, I am grateful for sandwiches. I am grateful for the slices of bread on either side that bless me each day.

Homecoming

2010-10-17T16:43:00.000-07:00

This last weekend was homecoming at my alma mater for High School. We had a reunion with a pretty good turn out of folks, that just enjoyed catching up, telling some stories of "remember when?" and reflecting on our growing up years. It was a great evening, and it stirred up lots of memories and reflections of the heart and mind for all of us, I am sure. It was a good evening.

Most of us were blessed to have had stable home lives. We had parents who were educated and provided for us, and enabled us to also get a good education, move on to college and a chosen profession. Most of us have raised our own children or are raising them now, to do the same. So much of the success we have achieved is attributed to the stability that we were given as kids. As we have left this little community and gone elsewhere we each have realized that what we had as we were growing up was unique. As those who have moved on to other communities and come back, we see what has remained the same, and what has changed, especially us.

It was wonderful to see people again, to catch up on many years, to exchange life stories of what we are doing now, and all about our families. It was fun to see what we have in common with folks who we may not have had much in common with as teens. Somehow, the ability to be in the same room with others who shared the same town, school, teachers, experiences, history, etc. helps us to return to those places of the heart, that we may have forgotten or tucked away. It helps us to remember that part of the journey that set the foundation of who we were to become. It is amazing how the years between then and now disappear in some ways, and yet not.

Homecoming is so much more than football , queens and princesses. It is so much more than a particular town and school. It is a journey of the heart, that is so sweet, and one I want to experience again. I have heard more people who returned for the first time in many years talk about the emotions that were stirred within just by coming back to this town, driving by the school, their old house, and suddenly those emotions come rushing back, and 35 years are erased. For most it was a good thing, of reclaiming ourselves and being healed of old hurts. For others it was the realization that our insecurities and fears that we held as adolescents were more common than we knew, and we all survived! At one point, after a few conversations with folks about their experiences here, I had the sense that I must have been in a coma throughout High School, and I realized how much I was so oblivious to. I know now it is because I was so into my own world, experiences, relationships, and world of fears and insecurities, that I projected my fears and inadequacies onto my peers, as their feelings about me. We are complicated creatures in adolescence! So part of the homecoming was coming home to myself. For reclaiming myself and them, as those who went on this comatose journey with me, and to celebrate our new sense of being lifted out and present in new and beautiful ways.

The best part of homecoming for me, was seeing these faces, and how open and accepting we all were with each other. For the conversations that enabled the lessons I have learned in life to be of help to my friends who were in a place of need, as well as nuggets of truth they had achieved that informed me. It was so reciprocal. It was this wonderful and fun time that included mutual love and respect, for who we were, who we have become and who we are becoming. We are still on this journey of homecoming, and there are still surprises along the way. And I find my heart being grateful for the people who have been a part of my life and in many ways have made me who I am.

Honoring

2010-10-05T21:49:00.000-07:00

One of the tasks that a hospice family member has is honoring the wishes of their loved one. When that wish is accomplished, it brings great compassion to the family members. If they are unable to accomplish it, sometimes by no fault of their own, it can cause guilt, and complicated grief for that family member.

Recently, in working with one of my hospice families, there were tremendous issues within the family that were longstanding. The patients' daughter had many issues, most of which were not going to be resolved, but there was one that could be. It was her father's desire to be cremated and have his ashes distributed in the ocean off the coast of Redondo Beach, because that was his favorite place to fish. When the patient died, and the daughter looked into the cost of a burial at sea, she discovered it was beyond her ability to afford. But through some personal connections,we were able to arrange a boat, to accomplish the honoring of her dad's ashes. a service was done, the ashes were distributed, and the daughter had the sense that she had honored her father, and set him free. Now she can let go, and move on. She will grieve. She will have other issues that she will need to resolve, but honoring her dad's wishes in his last resting place was something that she needed to do for her own closure.

Honoring is what loved ones can do as an expression of love and respect for the one they love, often in circumstances where many things are outside of their control. It isn't necessarily a big thing, but something small that their loved one has requested. It could be as simple as sitting alongside the person holding their hand as they die. It can be a certain kind of music played, or passing on a message to someone else after they are gone. But no matter how small the request is, it is a major issue for the loved one left behind with that one request. Spiritually speaking, it is a very important issue, and one that makes a difference in how the person is able to move ahead and heal from the hurt of grief.

I rejoiced for this daughter that she was able to accomplish this last request for her dad. I hope that it will at least ease the pain of her grief.

Clouds

2010-08-08T16:06:00.000-07:00

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, I've looked at clouds that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things I would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

*******************

While on vacation on the Colorado plains, I have been amazed at the beautiful cloud formations each day. They seem to stir something within me that is beyond what I am even aware of at the moment. But I know that I find myself looking up into the sky countless times during the day and taking note, at least mentally, at what they look like, as well as having a desire to keep watching as they change from one minute to the next. They are at one time large, white and fluffy, and at other times feather-like as the wind moves them. Later on in the early evening they grow dark and dramatic, and threatening, bringing thunder and lighting, and yet still beautiful. As the sunsets come, they are bright orange or pink, next to the gray, and show a kind of drama of contrasts. But as Joni Mitchell says, "I really don't know clouds at all."

But, something about the clouds attract me, as I take notice of the differences, and look up into the different layers, colors, and that sense of something beautiful beyond this earth. I am not thinking of angels and halos, but something even more spiritual and ethereal.

Maybe it touches that part of me that is mystery and that is ever changing? That part of me that is spirit, and that part of me that is at one time light, and bright, and other times dark and stormy. And, no, I am not bi- polar!

When Faith and Patriotism Merge

2010-07-04T13:54:00.000-07:00

Today is the 4th of July. It is also a Sunday so I went to worship. Our church is blessed to have a wonderful music ministry, including a full orchestra, that has a combination of church members and professionals. I went to the last part of the service to hear the orchestra play, which included, "American Salute" and then concluded with a rousing "Stars and Stripes Forever." People were standing up and clapping, and dressed in red, white and blue. So, what's wrong with that? Nothing, on the surface of it. I love our country, and love that song, in fact, I have played it many times on my flute with the various bands I have been a part of in my lifetime, but this morning, I had trouble with it.

This morning, I was at worship to worship God, to assist in Communion for the church members, and while I am very mindful on this day that it is the 234th birthday of the USA, I came to worship The Lord Jesus Christ, not The United States of America. I know that most progressives, politically speaking stand strongly for the separation of church and state because of their belief of not wanting the church to be determining matters of state. Some come to that position because they personally are not strong in faith of any kind, maybe even agnostic or atheist. I stand strong on Separation of Church and state for the opposite reason. I don't want the state determining the beliefs of the Church. I am all for God and Country, and my understanding of the original meaning of the Separation of Church and State was that while the State could not force anyone to worship at any one particular faith, it also didn't prevent people from worshipping in the faith of their families, or their personal choice. I thus believe that the progressives and the conservatives have badly misinterpreted the original intent. It has come to a place that a sacred song cannot be played at a graduation, or a prayer said at a public function. It has also come to place where a faith group is supposedly not allowed to use a public or government owned facility. I do not believe or a second that this was the original intent of the Separation of Church and State. That perspective interferes with the freedom of religion.

But as a follower of Jesus Christ, I am equally uncomfortable with Nationalistic songs, being played in the context of worship. Jesus Christ's death on the cross and resurrection from the grave happened on behalf of all humanity, not just the citizens of the USA. The beliefs of the Christian Church transcends the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, and the political perspectives of any party within this country, or any country's constitution. In fact, I would assert that the call of the believer and follower of Jesus Christ would challenge many of the policies of the USA, as wonderful as a country as it is.

In Nazi Germany, there was a push to make all citizens of Germany to be a member of the German Evangelical Church. Dietrich Bonhoeffer and others lost their lives in their protest of this action. They gathered together and wrote the Declaration of Barmen which proclaimed their allegiance to Jesus Christ alone, and not to any state.

The Theological Declaration of Barmen was written by a group of
church leaders in Germany to help Christians withstand the challenges of
the Nazi party and of the so-called “German Christians,” a popular movement
that saw no conflict between Christianity and the ideals of Hitler’s
National Socialism.

Most Germans took the union of Christianity, nationalism, and militarism
for granted, and patriotic sentiments were equated with Christian
truth. The German Christians exalted the racially pure nation and the rule
of Hitler as God’s will for the German people.

This is in part why I have great difficulty with the merging of patriotism and faithful worship on Sunday mornings, and yet there are many around this country, and in fact many in the congregation I grew up in and where I continue to worship and serve. They would look at me and roll their eyes, and believe that I have somehow gone off the deep end. But my heart, this day and every day belongs to Jesus Christ. I happen to be a citizen of the United States because of where I was born, but my ultimate citizenship is not here, but in the Kingdom of God. It will remain there for all eternity.

The Cross and Dolphins

2010-05-26T18:06:00.000-07:00

There are times when something as basic as a cross, a symbol of faith, can symbolize something so much larger, than the piece of jewelry that it is. Of course, the cross represents the belief of Jesus Christ dying on the cross for our sins, for redemption, for forgiveness, and for reconciliation.

One day recently, as I was preparing for work as a Spiritual Counselor with hospice, I put on my favorite cross. It is in the shape of a plus sign; a Jerusalem Cross. It is solid Sterling silver, with a rounded piece in the middle, like a globe. I am not exactly sure what the designer intended, but for me, it has represented, the redemption of the world, and also represents God as Creator of that world. On each of the points on this cross are dolphins jumping. I love dolphins. They are graceful, playful, loyal, and fiercely protective.

As I walked into my patient's room, I was aware that this particular case touched so many things in me. He was a 36 year old young man, dying of Melanoma. He had first been diagnosed about 5 years ago, had the melanoma removed and was told the cancer was gone, until a little over a year ago, when he discovered a mass in the abdomen. He fought this round of cancer for over a year, and died on Mother's Day, and his 37th birthday. Having lost my brother before his time, I knew that sometimes life isn't fair. I set out to address whatever spiritual concerns he might have, assuming that he might be angry at God, have questions about life after death, maybe have some issues to resolve with the people in his life. He did have questions about life after death, and he had been angry at God at one point, but had moved beyond that. With limited time and energy left, he had decided that being angry was using too much energy that was pointless. We discussed some of his thoughts about life after death, and my thoughts, as well as experience, both personal, and with other hospice patients.

In the course of our discussion, Jeff's eyes were drawn to the cross around my neck, saying it was "striking." As I said 'thank you' I pointed out the dolphins on the points, to which, Jeff said, "Oh, I love dolphins!" It wasn't until Jeff fell asleep and I left his room to go talk to his parents, that I realized that this family had pictures of dolphins all over the house. In Jeff's room, in their office and a plaque in their dining room with Jeff's mom's name on it. I suddenly had this realization come over me that moved me to give the cross to Jeff. I excused myself for a moment, and went back to his room, took the cross off and placed it around his neck. He protested, saying I didn't have to do that. I said, "I know. I want to." Each of the 3 times I saw him after that, he was holding the cross in his hand. I would have loved to have crawled into his heart and mind and listened in on that conversation.

Other touch-points for me with this family was in helping this family to come to grips with their loss. I have been the sibling losing my only sibling. I have watched my parents lose their only son; something that is so out of order. No parent is prepared to bury their child. Some of the conversations that they were forced to have, were topics his mother couldn't even bear to ask: whether he wanted to be buried or cremated. Whether he would be willing to donate his body to science. These topics were all to real, and a reality she couldn't come to grips with yet. It was a conversation that I had for her, not only because it was easier for me, but as a gift to her to know his wishes so she would be relieved from any guilt or sense of wondering whether she had made the right decision. Jeff, gladly donated his body to science, to help someone else, and relieve his parents of the cost of cremation.

The day after his death, I went to see the family to give them support. His mother handed me the cross back. I took it and put it around her neck. This symbol of faith, of a death of a son who died before his time, while his mother watched him suffer, was no longer mine. It was hers. I am sure it will be a bitter sweet piece of silver that she will wear. But it will be with her as she too struggles with her own faith, her anger at God, and hopefully will come to a place of peace, even the peace that passes all understanding. The cross does represent forgiveness, grace, redemption, and reconciliation. I do hope for his family, that they too will be able to grieve, and receive healing in time, to move beyond the pain or anger to a place of creativity, and the positive energy that Jeff sought as well.

When Hope is Lost

2010-04-09T20:36:00.000-07:00

I lost a friend this week. A beautiful young woman, 30 years old, who took her own life. When I first heard the news, I was shocked. I still am. She was intelligent, compassionate, a giving person, with a great sense of humor, very accomplished. . . and unfortunately, clinically depressed to the point that she couldn't go on. It breaks my heart. Not just for me, but more so for her mother, grandmother, husband, and all of the hundreds of friends and colleagues who came to celebrate her life today.

We celebrated her life, her accomplishments, her soul, her uniqueness. . . all that made her who she was. It was great to celebrate her, especially in light of the fact that we cannot make sense of her death. It doesn't make sense. And I struggle with the realization that she had lost hope, that she couldn't see around the corner to a brighter day, that maybe, at the moment, she couldn't see all the wonderful things about herself that those of us who celebrated her today could see so readily.

There are those who would condemn her for taking her own life. It used to be that religious leaders condemned suicide victims to hell, because only God can give or take away life. I can gladly say that most faiths have come to a deeper understanding and more compassionate stance, realizing that someone who goes to the drastic place of suicide, most likely has a chemical imbalance in the brain. The sense of eternal condemnation has been replaced by a more compassionate stance, especially for the survivors who don't need the added sense of pain, regret, guilt, etc. on top of their grief for their loved one.

It is my belief that God knows our hearts more than we know ourselves, and that God meets us at our place of deepest need. I have no doubt at all, that my friend is out of her pain. She is no longer living in the place of hell of her depression, and she now knows peace.

Her favorite quote was on her bulletin cover below her picture. It said, " Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the the universe is unfolding as it should." (Max Ehrmann)

Is it today? It is difficult for me to say that the universe is unfolding as it should in circumstances such as this. Hasn't the universe somehow been robbed or depleted by this sad loss?

But I pray for my friend to rest in deepest peace, and I know that I will always remember the mark she left on my life and on the life of many others. And of course I pray for comfort and peace to be with her family in this most tragic of loss. For me, tonight I will hug my son a little harder, and remember to speak words of encouragement and hope to those in my life and sphere of influence. And my hope is still alive, in the knowledge that I will see her again. Rest in peace, my friend, rest in peace.

A Tribute to Ted Kennedy

2009-09-17T20:01:00.000-07:00

I have been unusually touched by the life and death of Ted Kennedy. I was especially moved by the funeral mass that was said for him, and the tributes that were made by President Obama as well as his children. In the days between his death and the funeral mass, there were many documentaries, and past interviews that he had given in years past. But suddenly, like a quilt that suddenly had all the pieces, I was getting a clear picture of what guided Ted Kennedy's life.

The first key came from his mother's lesson to her children, that reminded the Kennedy children, that although they were born into privilege, it didn't mean that they should just sit back and enjoy. She recited a Bible verse, "To whom much is given, much will be expected." And when you look at the Kennedy family as a whole, you have a past President of the United States, Senators, Congressional reps, an ambassador or two, the founder of Special Olympics, Governors, Authors, Journalists, and the list goes on. This family has a clear understanding that if you are a Kennedy, your life had better make a difference! And they have made a difference. Ted Kennedy brought forth and into fruition more bills to help the poor than any other Senator in US history. It was his guiding principal in life. To help the less fortunate; not to make himself feel better, but because he had been blessed with abundance, and he therefore had an obligation to use his abundance to help those who were in need. He spoke for the voiceless, he used his power and influence for the powerless. It is quite the contrast to so many of the wealthy now who have a sense of entitlement. It is quite the contrast from the Bernie Madoff's of the world who can intentionally steal whole life savings and investments from innocent people, in order to add another mansion, more luxury cars, and jewels, etc. and think nothing of it.

So, what is the difference between the Kennedy's who are privileged but see it as a responsibility to pay forward, or give back, and those who are just guided by their greed? And for the Kennedy's I would say it was their Roman Catholic Faith. The Roman Catholic Church, for all their faults have long had a commitment to caring for the poor. For all the faults of Ted Kennedy, Chappaquiddick included, he was a man of faith. He often went to the church alone to pray, not just when he was at the end of his life, but whenever he had a challenge in Senate, or needed courage, or dealt with hardship in his life like two children with cancer, the loss of two brothers to a violent death, etc.

So, while he made mistakes in his life, we all have. He also did more good for those in this country because of his commitment to the poor. He took on the calling of his family that he had a responsibility to those less fortunate than him. But he also had a faith that guided him and gave him strength throughout his life, and caused him to do so much good that was long lasting.

So as I remember his life, I will place more emphasis on the good that he did, as opposed to the mistakes he made. I will put more emphasis on the redemption he experienced in his life and proved in his actions than I will on the actions that caused him to need redemption. I would hope that others would look at my life and see my mistakes as paling in comparison to the accomplishments, and see the ways that I attempted to give to others, and show compassion, more than the times I was less than giving or compassionate.

So, rest in peace, Teddy, and I pray for comfort and peace for your wife and family. But you did make a huge difference in this life and I thank you for that.

" The Shack" by Wm Paul Young

2009-06-07T12:36:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading "The Shack" last night, and found it to be a very profound book. Normally, I am not into the fad type books, but so many people who I respect had read it, that I thought I would give it a try as well. I have to say that I was deeply moved by the story.

It begins with two tragedies in a man's life, and "the great sadness" that he carries because of it. It becomes an encounter with the living God as he is trying to make sense of this "great sadness." He is lured, invited, to "The Shack", which is one sense is the place where his pain begins, but in this place is where he has his encounter with God, who comes in surprising ways. "Papa" as God refers to her/himself, is an African American Woman. Jesus, is a middle eastern man and a carpenter, and the Holy Spirit, "Saraya" is an Asian woman. Over the many pages, Mack, the main character of the book, learns about himself, about God, and is able to enter into a deep conversation. In that conversation Mack deals with his own independence (sin), judgement, forgiveness, but most of all, learns about the God who loves him just as he is, and doesn't want him to be "religious", but to be in relationship. The enounter leads Mack to confront his own pain, his own questions, and his own mistakes, in such a way as he is transformed in a life changing way.

The wonderful part of the story, at least for me, was I found myself laughing, tearing up, nodding my head in affirmation, saying "WOW! That is so true!" or "Been there done that!" It left me with a very strong desire to re-examine my own spiritual life, my own tendency to live in judgements of my own, apart from God, or in self sufficiency.

It seems that some have had difficulty with seeing the Trinity as anything other than the very traditional Father, Son and Holy Spirit. But in my own experience, when I have been transformed the most, it has been in times when God was revealed to me in surprising and unexpected ways, so I had no problem with the story's way of revealing The Trinity. Besides, which one of us really has the Trinity figured out? Not many.

One of the biggest invitations that The Shack offers refers to how we deal with the painful circumstances in our lives. We all have the choice to either be angry and alienated from God, or to find God in deeper ways, as we go to the place of our pain, and find that God is indeed there. This was the challenge for Mack. It is the challenge for us as well. Mack found that as he went to the Shack, he found God. He found that he was able to enter into a conversation that was very honest, where he could question God, express his anger, and be met with an explanation. Did God remove the pain or change the circumstances of how the pain began? No. But Mack was changed by the relationship he developed with God, and thus the way he looked at his life was transformed. Most of all, he knew that he was never alone, and that the "Great Sadness" was not caused by his sin, but by the fact that we live in a world that wants to be independent of God's love and ways for us to live.

If you haven't read it, I encourage you to do so. It brought me to laughter, tears, saying "WOW" and truly re-examining my own relationship with God, and my own tendencies toward independence of self sufficiency. So I encourage anyone to read it, and see where it takes you.

Pro Life?

2009-06-01T19:49:00.000-07:00

Today in the news, it was reported about Dr. Tiller, in Kansas, who was gunned down in his church Sunday morning while passing out bulletins for the congregation. And why was he gunned down in his church? Because he is a family practice Dr. who performs abortions. Whether or not someone agrees with abortion or not, I am trying to wrap my mind around someone who is an activist for pro life issues, and yet finds it ok to commit murder. What does it mean when one says they are pro life? One would think that it would be all the way around the issue, and yet so often those who are activists for pro life, really mean anti abortion, because they simultaneously will support the death penalty, and often are strong supporters of the military. So, to say they are pro life, is really a misnomer. If their belief is to not take the life of an innocent life, then, what about the innocents of Iraq and Afghanistan? Are their lives not as important as the fetus that is aborted? What about those who are on death row unjustly? Are their lives not as important? So what makes someone who says they are pro life, claim that for only one portion of life, and not all? I find it blatantly inconsistent,hypocritical, and I would even go so far as to say that those like the one who took Dr. Tiller's life, are in line with domestic terrorists, and should be prosecuted as such, on top of the murder charges. They are no different than the Taliban who assume that all should believe as they do, regarding women, religion, politics, etc. and they will kill those who oppose them.

Those such as Randall Terry and Bill O'Reilly, and others who would incite these radicals by labeling Dr's such as Dr. Tiller as "mass murderers" or "evil men" or anything similar should also have some accountability for their inciting violence that leads to someone else's murder.

My thoughts and prayers go out to Dr. Tiller's wife, daughter and family, as well as the congregation who were so traumatized yesterday morning, while practicing their faith. I give thanks that Justice is in the hands of God, and that the murderer of Dr. Terry is in custody to face his own justice. I do however hope that he is met by more grace than he gave to Dr. Terry.

2009-04-04T16:56:00.000-07:00

This week, I did a burial at sea for a friend's mom. It was a beautiful experience, and my first time of doing this kind of service. My friend's mom, was a declared athiest. Something that greatly disturbed her daughter, as well as her sisters. But Lois grew up in a Christian Fundamentalist home, and grew weary of the rigidity. Lois was a creative person, an artist, designer, and the strict confines of her home, didn't sit right with her spirit. She was also a nurse, and like doubting Thomas, she apparently needed the tangible proof, of a scientist' mind to believe. Jesus met Thomas where he was, and gave him the tangible proof. He allowed him to touch his hands and his side, and Thomas believed. I believe Jesus met Lois in her last days as well, and met her in her place of need. So, we poured her ashes into the ocean, and we dropped rose buds and pedals in the water to bless her as well. She is at peace.

Ironically, the next day I had a conversation with a relative of one of my hospice patient who is a fundamentalist. Before I could say good afternoon, she wanted to know if I was saved, when it happened, and if it was according to some particular scriptures. She barely let me answer her questions before she added another question to her exam. But when she finally listened, she declared me having passed her test. I wanted to tell her that it isn't her that is giving the test or the grade, and that I really didn't need her approval. I wanted to tell her that rather than one declared time of salvation, I in fact have been saved many times over. Each and every time I come to a crossroads in life and in my spiritual journey, and I choose to follow the way of the cross, I am saved. I am born again, each and every time I choose to follow, or when I surrender another aspect of my flawed nature, to choose new birth. It isn't a test, it is a relationship.

She declared to me that all Muslims are going to hell, and that she can see their relatives in Hell just crying and begging for someone to tell their living relatives the truth. I wanted to ask her how she knows this particular truth.

I understood why the Lois' of the world become "athiests" when they run up against people like this patient's niece. I am a Christian, and have been since I was born, and baptized, and as I have chosen to follow Christ at the many different stages of my life. And I resented being put on the spot, like my entire life of relationship with Christ was somehow on the block to be judged by her. I wanted to ask her when God had died and left her to make the decisions. And I remembered the important words of St. Francis of Assisi who said, "Preach the gospel. Use words if necessary." I remembered the teachings of my reformed tradition that reminds us it is not about us, and our actions before God but about God's initiation in our lives. It is always God who initiates relationship with us. It is God who chooses us. It is God who loved us first. It is God that I answer to.

So, I kept my mouth shut, and didn't say all the stuff I wanted to say, because, this week in Lent, I am remembering Jesus, being tested by others as well, and being accused of things he didn't do and he remained silent. There are times when remaining silent is the best, because they don't really want to hear what you have to say anyway, and we really don't have to answer to the legalists anyway. So, I remained silent, and I let her know I would pray for her and her aunt, and when I hung up, I silently prayed that her aunt might pass into a place of peace before her niece arrives, for her own sake. I know, that isn't the most spiritually righteous prayer I could have prayed, but it was honest.

More Than A Teacher

2009-03-10T07:55:00.000-07:00

This last week my dad, a retired instrumental music teacher, was contacted by two sisters who were ex students of his over 25 years ago. These girls played in the band, but were also being abused at home. One of the girls said, "I would come into class with a heavy heart, and leave singing the song we had been playing." When my dad learned of the abuse, he did as he was supposed to, and reported it to the school counselors. Their mother denied that it was happening, but my dad knew it was true. He allowed them to stay in the band room after school to help out, (with other students there as well), and he just talked to them, counseled them, and taught them about life.

The two girls have been trying to find him for many years and found him on Facebook. They wrote thank you's and told him that he was so much more than a teacher, but a father figure, and a model of a Christian man. He never did the hard sell on his faith. He just lived it. And often had kids ask, "Are you a Christian?" When he said, "Yes" they would say, "I thought so."

There is a song by Dan Fogelberg, called "The Leader of the Band." It was about Fogelberg's own father, who was a cabinet maker's son, but chose the route of being a musician for himself. A line in that song says, "He had a gentle means of sculpting souls, that took me years to understand." It describes dad thoroughly. He also was a cabinet maker's son.

When these girls contacted dad, and thanked him profusely about all the things that he was to them, he just read it with tears in his eyes, and said, "I don't know what I really did. You just never know."

So I am grateful for a man, who I have the gracious gift of having for a father. Who saw teaching as so much more than what he taught in the classroom, and who made a huge difference, not only in his student's lives but in my own.

Lenten Journey

2009-02-25T20:45:00.000-08:00

Today, Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of the Lenten season of the Christian Church. Lent is to be a penitential season, whereby the Christian believer begins the journey toward the cross with Jesus. It is meant to be a time of self reflection and penitence/repentance. As children, we were always asking each other "what are you giving up for Lent?" It was usually candy or gum or something, and was only done until Easter Sunday when whatever we "gave up" was resumed, most often with a vengeance.

Tonight, at our service we were encouraged to do that which brings us closer to God, and closer to our neighbor, in love. We were reminded that the religious leaders of Jesus' day had built their whole lives and religious practice around a misunderstanding of God. The question was asked, "Don't you wish they could have given up what they were doing wrong?" I suppose that is the question we must all ask ourselves as well. Where do we have misunderstandings of God, and how do those misunderstandings direct how we express our faith. Am I able to give up those misunderstandings of God, if it means that I would move in a newer and better direction of loving God and neighbor. I would surely hope so.

So, I am hoping to move on that journey towards examining my understanding of God and how I might love God with all my heart, soul, and mind, and love my neighbor as myself.

Statements of Faith

2009-02-12T22:50:00.000-08:00

One of the most important aspects of our spiritual journey is the process we go through to define what it is we believe and why. Added to that, how do those beliefs live out in our daily lives? I serve on a committee for our denomination to guide the seminarians through the process toward ordination. Part of their process is their seminary courses, and the completion of specific courses that will enhance their lives as pastors, including a specific understanding of who we are as those within our particular denomination. So, there are two different times when the candidate is asked to write a statement of faith: when they are moving from inquirer to candidate, and also when they are having their final assessment. Their final statement of faith, will hopefully be a clear description of what the candidate believes about God, Jesus Christ, The Holy Spirit, the Sacraments, Scripture, the Church, and eschatology. But, the true test is how can the candidate write this statement, touching on all the main points, and yet not have their statement come out sounding the same as everyone elses. This final statement of faith, they defend on the floor of Presbytery, being examined by the Pastors and elders of the Presbytery.

It is a good exercise to write a statement of faith. To really take the time to sort out, what we believe, to express who we are, and take the time to examine our own hearts. It is important for us to have a faith statement that reflects our own heart, and not only what we have been told throughout our earlier lives. What I love about the exercise, having done quite a few in the last 25 years, is how they change. What I may have expressed while still in seminary, I may not say today, or at least not in the same words. I might emphasize different aspects of God now that I have gleaned from new life experiences, that caused new questions to come to the surface and others to be answered.

What I can honestly say, is the older I get, the more I am comfortable with mystery. I used to feel that I had to have very definite answers, as if neglecting to have the answers would somehow be a reflection of weak faith. Not anymore! Now I am very comfortable to say that I don't have all the answers and that is ok. In fact, I would say to have the inclination that we could have all the answers is extremely naive, and reveals a very small God. I now feel that as each day goes by, I develop more questions. But as I live with the unanswered questions, tucked down in my heart somewhere, as with Mary, "who pondered these things in her heart" that I eventually come to a place of deeper understanding, and a constant movement toward spiritual maturity.

There are those who take a more literal approach to life in general. They are ones who need to have the answers. For these individuals most of life is pretty black and white, and the presentation of another belief from outside of themselves or their faith community causes deep fear. Pronouncements are made, and the limits of the box they choose to live in, are put in place, but by that very process, limits God, and the universe. When life reveals the gray areas that challenge those beliefs, they often realize that their faith was more like a house of cards, and it comes tumbling down. Or those who challenge their beliefs, are attacked in anger.

But then, on the other end of the spectrum, there are others who are so open, and broad in thought, that they have no anchor. They believe in so much they don't really believe in anything at all.

Both extremes are dangerous. We all have to find a landing point. Some of that comes with age and experience; some would call that wisdom. But I like the concept of a spiritual journey. It has a beginning and a destination, and their are stopping places along the way. It is a constant moving, hopefully never static, and the scenery changes. As we continue moving forward; and as we stop for awhile along the way, in some places longer than others, we discover who we truly are, who we were created to be; what our passions are and our gifts. We also discover the things about ourselves where we need healing, and a deeper understanding. But if we never stop asking the questions, and we realize that life is very much on a continuum, entrusting ourselves to God who holds us and reminds us we are loved, we will arrive at that final destination in tact. And hopefully filled with a deep sense of knowing and being known.

Gene Robinson's Prayer for President -elect Barack Obama

2009-01-19T22:33:00.000-08:00

+Gene Robinson's Prayer for President-elect Barack Obama

A Prayer for the Nation and Our Next President, Barack Obama
By The Rt. Rev. V. Gene Robinson, Episcopal Bishop of New Hampshire
Opening Inaugural EventLincoln Memorial, Washington, DCJanuary 18, 2009

Welcome to Washington! The fun is about to begin, but first, please join me in pausing for a moment, to ask God’s blessing upon our nation and our next president.

"O God of our many understandings, we pray that you will…
Bless us with tears – for a world in which over a billion people exist on less than a dollar a day, where young women from many lands are beaten and raped for wanting an education, and thousands die daily from malnutrition, malaria, and AIDS.

Bless us with anger – at discrimination, at home and abroad, against refugees and immigrants, women, people of color, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people.

Bless us with discomfort – at the easy, simplistic “answers” we’ve preferred to hear from our politicians, instead of the truth, about ourselves and the world, which we need to face if we are going to rise to the challenges of the future.

Bless us with patience – and the knowledge that none of what ails us will be “fixed” anytime soon, and the understanding that our new president is a human being, not a messiah.

Bless us with humility – open to understanding that our own needs must always be balanced with those of the world.

Bless us with freedom from mere tolerance – replacing it with a genuine respect and warm embrace of our differences, and an understanding that in our diversity, we are stronger.

Bless us with compassion and generosity – remembering that every religion’s God judges us by the way we care for the most vulnerable in the human community, whether across town or across the world.

And God, we give you thanks for your child Barack, as he assumes the office of President of the United States.
Give him wisdom beyond his years, and inspire him with Lincoln’s reconciling leadership style, President Kennedy’s ability to enlist our best efforts, and Dr. King’s dream of a nation for ALL the people.

Give him a quiet heart, for our Ship of State needs a steady, calm captain in these times.

Give him stirring words, for we will need to be inspired and motivated to make the personal and common sacrifices necessary to facing the challenges ahead.

Make him color-blind, reminding him of his own words that under his leadership, there will be neither red nor blue states, but the United States.

Help him remember his own oppression as a minority, drawing on that experience of discrimination, that he might seek to change the lives of those who are still its victims.

Give him the strength to find family time and privacy, and help him remember that even though he is president, a father only gets one shot at his daughters’ childhoods.

And please, God, keep him safe. We know we ask too much of our presidents, and we’re asking FAR too much of this one. We know the risk he and his wife are taking for all of us, and we implore you, O good and great God, to keep him safe. Hold him in the palm of your hand – that he might do the work we have called him to do, that he might find joy in this impossible calling, and that in the end, he might lead us as a nation to a place of integrity, prosperity and peace.
AMEN.

Moved to Tears

2009-01-10T13:08:00.000-08:00

There are times in one's life when we are just mindful that we are in the presence of a very profound person. I had that experience yesterday. I was sitting in a woman's home, who is dying of cancer. She is an Holocaust Survivor, from Auschwitz. It seems that each time I speak to her I am keenly aware that this woman has so much wisdom, and can teach me far more than I can ever bring to her.

But yesterday, while speaking to her about our concern for her living alone as she weakens, she began talking about her thought process, that includes so much of her philosophy of life. I was suddenly aware that there were tears streaming down my cheeks, and believe me, the tears were as much a surprise to me as the team I was with. Unfortunately, the nurse mentioned it to the patient, which she wouldn't have been aware of, since she can hardly see as well. I didn't want the patient to feel burdened by my tears. She told me not to cry. I told her there are many reasons for tears; some for sadness or anger, and some just being touched by a heart moving incident, and others are being aware of the gift we have received by being in the presence of a very special person. I told her the latter, was the reason for my tears.

This woman has experienced the horrors of life that go so far beyond our imaginations, and yet she survived, not only physically, but spiritually. She came out, not as a bitter person, but an extremely compassionate person. She worked with extremely disabled children for over 30 years, and said if God were ever to give her another chance at life, she would do it again.

She has learned the wisdom of taking one day at a time, and making the necessary decisions when the time comes that they are needed. She has the courage to make those necessary decisions when they are needed, however difficult they may be.

She understands the wisdom in moving on after a traumatic experience and not allowing bitterness or anger to consume her. Thus, she took her trauma of the Holocaust, and moved on to give back, to make her life one of creative and loving response, as opposed to bitterness and depression. She is a glass half full kind of person.

She knows the wisdom and the ultimate value of sacrificial love. She can put aside her own desires if she knows that her desire would be detrimental to another.

She values honesty, and integrity, and the need to trust that someone is being truthful with her, no matter how difficult that information might be.

And because so much of what we are concerned about is making sure she is safe and comfortable, she is making decisions for herself to ensure that she will die in comfort and with dignity. And she will, because of her inner strength, her knowledge of herself, and her deep spirituality.

And so I was moved to tears, out of pure awe of someone who had experienced such horror and yet won, because she didn't allow it to kill her spirit. I was moved to tears, out of the realization that I have had the privilege of knowing this woman who has made all of our lives better. I will learn from her for many years to come.

"Take Time"

2009-01-04T23:24:00.000-08:00

I received a little card to carry in my wallet, from one of the Hospice Nurses I work with. It is entitled "Take Time" and is published by Abbey Press, a Roman Catholic Publishing Company. It goes like this:

Take time to THINK-
it is the source of wisdom.
Take time to DREAM-
it is the fountain of the future.
Take time to PLAY-
it is the way to stay young.
Take time to REFLECT-
it is the way to know God.
Take time to SMILE-
it is the road to happiness.
Take time to LAUGH-
it is the music of the soul.
Take time to LOVE-
it is God's greatest gift.
Take time to PRAY-
it is the greatest power on earth.

I thought these reminders are for the New Year. Hope they are for you.

The Inauguration

2008-12-30T22:37:00.000-08:00

I am finding the discussion about Barack Obama's choice of Rev. Rick Warren, Pastor of Saddleback church as his inauguration speaker, rather curious. It is quite the topic on many of the radio talk shows, and people are in a real uproar about it, on both sides of the aisle. While I don't agree with many of the positions of Rev. Warren, I think I understand what Barack Obama is trying to do; to reach across the aisle. Rev. Warren has been accused of "hating gays" and yet he and his wife are huge supporters of treatment of HIV/AIDS in Africa. That is somehow being ignored. He also is very strong on social justice issues, in dealing with poverty, etc. So it makes sense that Obama would choose him, irrespective of the fact that they don't agree on every issue. Who does?

But http://http://www.huffingtonpost.com/melissa-etheridge/the-choice-is-ours-now_b_152947.html by Melissa Etheridge is one that I loved reading. And she raises some great points, in defense of the selection of Rick Warren, and speaks of her own personal experience with him. It's an interesting read, and I applaud Melissa Etheridge for her challenge to the GLBT community, to take a deeper look, and to maybe even join him in his causes to treat HIV/AIDS, and to get to know the people of Rev. Warren's church so they can actually see that GLBT people are not to be feared. You Go GIRL!

But what my hope is, is that everyone will relax and quit assuming what he is about, or what he might say that they won't like, and just let the man speak. I read the Purpose Driven Church, and the Purpose Driven Life. And while I didn't agree with everything he said, in fact had a huge problem with his theological perspective at the beginning of Purpose Driven Life there are lots of good points in it.But his chapter on Worship (I believe Chapter 7) was very profound, talking about worship being more than what we do on Sunday mornings, but how we live out our lives between Sundays. Great stuff!

It was Barack's choice to choose Rick Warren. He could have chosen someone else, but he didn't. It is his inauguration afterall. It is one speech, when it really comes down to it. And I think we are all going to survive. I see Barack's choice as curious, but he hasn't done much yet that hasn't been well thought out. And if he can, through this selection, get the evangelical and conservatives to come a little to the left and the liberals to come a little closer to the right, isn't that a good thing? If we can end the polarization in this country, whether it be religiously or politically, isn't that a good thing? If we can actually have a dialogue, without throwing out insults, and discrediting the others simply because they are on the opposite team, isn't that going to be a good thing for our faith as well as our country? I think so. I hope so. It seems like the progressive thing to do.

I think Barack has taken the high road, on many occasions. He has been talking all through his campaign that he is one who will reach across the aisle, and he has done so, in the selection of many of his cabinet members, and now in his selection of Rev. Rick Warren. I for one, think it is a very good thing.

The Four Most Important Words

2008-12-25T07:26:00.000-08:00

GOD IS WITH US!

Emmanuel. God is with us. Jesus is born.

Susan

Advent Conspiracy

2008-12-19T23:18:00.000-08:00

I learned about a movement called "Advent Conspiracy" to encourage us all to cease the endless shopping and giving gifts to each other that we really don't need, and to take that money to give to the poor, for things such as waterwells for clean drinking water.

Here is the link: http://www.adventconspiracy.org/ It is quite an amazing thought that the United States spends 45o billion each year for Christmas shopping. How often are those gifts returned, or not needed, etc. The idea is to give to each other with gifts of relationships, of time spent together, of doing specific things for each other, without spending all the money, but then taking that money to do things like help to purchase a water well in a third world country, where clean drinking water would be a life changing act for many people. The cost of water wells would be about 10 billion, to give those who need clean drinking water, that possibility.

Another friend went to Skid row today in downtown LA to deliver some teen clothes that they had a real need for. She then delivered supplies to the Humane Society and realized that dogs are treated better than human beings. The sight of a man laying in the street, and the numbers of homeless who were all over was quite overwhelming.

It reminds me of my time in Central America. It was a life changing experience to see the poverty there, and then to return home and see our abundance. The 25 choices of toothpaste, breads, cereals, fruit/vegies, meats, pastas, etc. etc. etc. When I first came home, I actually stood at the opening of the grocery store and was so overwhelmed I couldn't go inside. I was there over 25 years ago now, and it still effects me. When it stops having an effect on the choices I make, the compassion I feel, the memories I hold, I will return to some third world country, to give from my own abundance.

And yes, we have at least 10 different varieties of healthy dogfood, pads for them to sleep on, toys to play with, etc. etc. etc. We do treat our dogs better than our people.

Another Angel in Heaven

2008-12-19T12:21:00.000-08:00

Heaven has another angel today. When I think of the Beattitude “Blessed are the Pure of Heart, for they shall see God,” I think of both Mildred and Clarence. To be in their home, was to be surrounded by the loving Holy Spirit, and to be the recipient of that gracious and sincere love. I will cherish my times as their pastor, to read scripture with them, and to pray with them, only to have them conclude the prayer with a prayer for me as well. To be in their home, was to be a part of their family. To be with them was to be with those who already lived out eternal life as they lived their life every day.

Mildred: so sweet and quiet, but with a smile that revealed a joy deep within. A woman who was sometimes nervous, and a worry wart, but who calmed right down when Clarence just said, “It’s ok mama.”

Clarence and Mildred loved to sing. They loved their Gaither songs, and we would often sit in their living room and watch their Gaither tapes and sing right along. Let me correct that: Clarence and Mildred would sing, every word, with such amazing joy! I watched them and listened, because I wasn’t familiar with the words nearly as well as they were, and it was too much fun to just watch them!

So Mildred died as she lived. She died with a peaceful knowledge of God’s love for her, surrounded by her loving daughters, and singing all her favorite hymns. Who could ask for more? She was enjoying herself so much that even when she could no longer sing, she was tapping her toes!

Carolyn and Connie, you gave your mom such a wonderful gift. You lovingly and faithfully stayed with her, and loved her into the heavens. You held her hand on this side of life, knowing that she would be greeted and welcomed by Jesus, Clarence and all of her family who have gone before her. What a grand reunion! And so, while we grieve, we grieve not as one who has no hope. We grieve as those who know that to be absent from the body means to be present with the Lord. We grieve as those who know that our separation is for but a little while, but we will see them again.

I can only imagine the conversation that Clarence and Mildred had when she first went home. It may have gone something like this: “Well Mildred, what took you sooooo long?”
“Well, I don’t know daddy. The girls and I were just having such fun singing and telling stories, I just decided to stay awhile longer! But I’m here now, forever.”

And let’s just say that Connie and Carolyn didn’t fall far from the tree, in being the loving and faithful women of God that their parents were. The blessings of God’s love and grace have truly been passed down to the next generations.

So as you grieve today and in the days to come, I hope you also spend a lot of time celebrating Mildred’s long and loving life. Continue to tell the stories; laugh, and cry, and celebrate all of the wonderful qualities that made the special person she was. I count my time as Mildred and Clarence’s Pastor as one of the greatest privileges of my ministry; a time when I know I received as much if not more from them as I ever gave.

God Bless you with comfort and peace and with rest.

Children in Church

2008-12-14T19:58:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite parts of the sundays leading up to Christmas are all the children's choirs. Today they were out in full, the children all dressed up in their Christmas dress clothes, and singing various Christmas carols. Our youngest group, the Cherubs were my favorite today though. One their way in, looking so cute and excited to be singing, I saw three visions of joy! The first was a young girl with her dress up to her waist in front of the whole congregation. . . adjusting her underwear. The second were two little kids, one boy and one girl, who had to wave to mom and dad in the congregation. And the third was a little boy who while singing, got down off the middle riser, to stand directly behind of a little girl in the front row. He proceeds to take his hand and put it on the top of his head, and moves his hand towards the top of her head, to see who was taller. When he finished, he got back up on the riser in his position and continued singing Away in the Manger! I had to really contain myself to not crack up. They are so . . . themsleves!

The other part I love during the Sunday worship are the families lighting the Advent Candles, where the children read the passages and the parents light the candles. They are usually so proud to be there, taking it so seriously, and do such a great job.

There are lots of things about Sunday mornings of Advent, but these are a few.

Have a Stompin' Shootin Christmas

2008-11-28T23:18:00.000-08:00

Today on the news regarding the biggest shopping day of the year come two reports:

A 34 year old employee of Walmart in Long Island, NY, who was stampeded to death as all those eager shoppers plowed into the store, knocking the door right out of the frame, and then stampeded the man to death. I guess getting those good deals was worth more than this man's life! And to top it off, the crowds were angry when they were told to leave the store so the officials could investigate. One angry customer was heard saying, "Well, I was in the line from 4am this morning! They're animals!"

Then, out in Palm Desert, at a Toys R us, two women got into a fist fight, and their two husbands pulled out guns and shot each other to death. But at least they got that special toy for their kids! Dad is dead, and mom's are arrested, but the kids will be so much better off because they got that toy they always wanted! GEEEZ!

Really conjurs up the emotions of love and good will toward all, doesn't it? It reminds me of the angels ensuring that the birth of the Christ Child is bringing peace on earth. Unless maybe you are in Toys R Us or Walmart! That's what I think of when I want to go Christmas shopping. . . take my hand gun with me. You never know when you might just have to shoot someone in order to ensure getting that special toy.

One more reason for me to remain in the house and let the crowds die down a whole lot, and maybe even buy my gifts on the computer from home.

Eucharista

2008-11-26T12:20:00.000-08:00

Today, I have received two messages of thank you. One was a note in the mail for serving communion at our church last week. It was from someone I barely know, and so took me very much by surprise. . . a pleasant one. The second one was from a young woman I helped this last week. And one of the best parts of doing something for someone else, is it is as much a gift to the giver as to the receiver, sometimes moreso.

The Greek word for Communion is Eucharista, translated as "good gift/grace" and signifies the undeserved gift we receive in Jesus' death on the cross for our forgiveness. It also has an idea of gratitude. In the words of institution said over the elements prior to distributing the elements to the people of the congregation, it is said, "Jesus took bread, and after giving thanks, he broke it, and gave it to his disciples. . . "

There is a power to being grateful, or giving thanks. There is a power in saying Thank you to someone else. It means that we are not taking for granted the act of kindness, nor having any sense of entitlement in receiving anything. It means we acknowledge that person, and whatever it is they did, and that our lives are made better because of them. Again, it has an effect on ourselves as well as the person we give thanks to.

But especially now with Thanksgiving being upon us, it does make us take stock of our lives, of the people that we encounter, and the blessings we have, whether or not our lives are perfect. There is something powerful to be able to identify things to be thankful for, even in the midst of difficult circumstances. It is more than seeing our lives as half full. It is an expression of hope; of knowing that life's meaning is held in greater things than the daily circumstances of our lives that may be challenging or painful. It is being grateful for a person's life, even when they have just died. It is being grateful for the people who gather around us and provide support and strength for us when life hits us hard. Sometimes it can be as simple as a friend of mine who was just in a horrible biking accident and is now a paraplegic. He was thankful for some mashed potatoes that he was able to eat a couple of days ago. Simple pleasures.

*So, this year I am thankful for my family. A wonderful son who gives me daily joy and for whom I am so proud; and loving parents, who have always been there for me for the last 51 years, and who now give me the privelge of being there for them as they grow older.
* I am thankful for my family as well for the sense of humor we are able to maintain in the midst of mom's dementia, and so much of that joyful and healthy attitude comes from her.
* I am thankful for having the opportunity to have a ministry where I can be involved with peoples' lives at a very sacred time of life, and to make a difference in tangible ways for the patients and families, that often extend beyond my time of interacting with them.
* I am grateful for the friends in my life who have been in my life for long and short periods of time, but make my life so rich with laughter, and affection and soul touching moments.
* of course, the things such as a home to live in, food to eat, clothes to wear and many other creature comforts.
*Most of all for the blessings and graces that I receive daily from God who I love, and who is the Giver of every good and perfect gift.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving everyone!

Beannacht

2008-11-22T14:58:00.000-08:00

This Celtic prayer is for a young woman who became a friend. A single mom, cared for by a whole hospice team of single mom's, who were all touched deeply by the life and death of this beautiful soul. This prayer/poem resonated with me for her. Now, it is our task to learn from her spiritual virtues, and to incorporate what we learned from her into our own lives.

BEANNACHT( Celtic Prayer, for a friend)

On the day when the weight deadens on your shoulders

and you stumble,

may the clay dance to balance you.

And when your eyes freeze behind the grey window

and the ghost of loss gets in to you,

May a flock of colours, indigo, red, green and azure blue

come to awaken in you a meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays in the curach of thought

and a stain of ocean blackens beneath you,

May there come across the waters a path of yellow moonlight

to bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,

may the clarity of light be yours,

may the fluency of the ocean be yours,

may the protection of the ancestors be yours.

And so may a slow wind work these words of love around you,

an invisible cloak to mind your life.

John O’Donohue ( A Roman Catholic Priest in Connemara, Ireland.)

2008-11-08T10:54:00.000-08:00

Last night listening to the news I was absolutely stunned to learn that an alarming number of guns were sold the day after the election of Barack Obama as President of the United States. It sent a chill through my body. Some of the sentiments that were articulated about it, was a fear that increased gun control laws would be put in place, but others were far more worrisome. They were those who continue to believe the lies that Barack Obama is a Muslim and a terrorist. And I would include those who are just plain racist and do not want a Black man in the White House as President of the United States. At least one attempt was thwarted already, thank God.

What causes someone to be so fearful and so irrational as to want to kill someone who has a different color of skin? What causes one to be so filled with hate that they would want to eliminate one with whom they disagree? I find it appalling and scary. And I have to admit I am absolutely shocked that there are still so many who are in that place in the United States in the year 2008?

I have no idea how to change that, or to bring them around to see that those who may speak a different language, or have a different color of skin are not to be feared based soley on the exterior differences. We are all created by the same God. We all want the best for our children. We all want to love and be loved. We all want to be accepted. I would be far more afraid of someone, who feels the need to be violent towards another purely because they express a different viewpoint, or would act violently towards a person because they believed a lie about them and never took the time to check it out.

So I am left to pray for changed hearts. I pray that those who would want to harm another for being different would be stopped in their tracks. I pray for protection of all those who would be the target of a hateful person's gun.

And I continue to be mystified as to why anyone should be allowed to purchase an assault gun for private use, who isn't part of the military. I will do everything in my power to stop one's ability to do so, for their sake as well as everyone elses.

Change is Difficult

2008-11-07T08:37:00.000-08:00

About 8 years ago, when I was going through a difficult patch in my life, a friend gave me a wonderful little book by Robert Johnson, entitled "Who Moved My Cheese?" It is a description of how we adjust to change. It is a story of 4 little mice named, Hem and Haw, Sniff and Scurry. They each are used to coming to the same place every day to get their cheese, and one day they get there and there is no cheese. Sniff and Scurry go "sniffing" and "scurrying" to find new cheese, and they find cheese, and actually find that the cheese is better than they have ever found before. Hem and Haw keep going back to the same place and get angrier and angrier, but they don't do anything to try to move beyond their anger and grief. It was a very important book for me, on a emotional and spiritual level.

I want to hand this book to the 43% of the country who are not real happy about the election of Barack Obama to the office of president. And while I understand that they need a time to grieve, and part of that grief process is anger, eventually they will have to move on. The unknowns of the future are a source of great fear, but the fearful emotions are often much bigger than the reality itself.

But see, the secret of the story "Who Moved My Cheese?" is that Sniff and Scurry found a better quality of cheese than they had been used to. But the other important part of it is Sniff and Scurry went back to try and bring Hem and Haw along. They went back to the original place, and left encouraging messages, called "the Handwriting on the Wall," to help Hem and Haw get out of their places of anger and being stuck in the anger, to go out and seek the better cheese for them. Sniff and Scurry also let Hem and Haw know that if they kept going back to the same empty places that don't work, they will die.

The places I believe right now are so Hem and Haw"ish" are:

* those who are already making moves to impeach Obama before he has ever even been sworn in.

* Those who are trying to say that the Obama campaign "stole" the election.

* Those who are reacting to the choices of the cabinet negatively and assuming that they reflect a contradiction to the campaign promises.

To all of those, I would say, let's relax. The country and the world have spoken, with a collective sigh of relief for President Elect Obama's election. The cheese is no longer in the McCain Palin Maze. Let's allow President Elect Obama to lead. and who knows, we might find that the cheese is better quality, better tasting, and better for all of us in general.

And most of all, let us all be reminded that God is still in the heavens and in control.

Amen? Amen!

We Have An Answer

2008-11-05T11:33:00.000-08:00

Last night, when it was announced that Obama had won the presidency, it was an amazing moment. And while I know there is great sadness and disappointment on the part of many, there is a whole country and world who are thrilled with the outcome. I am one of them! A friend of mine and I went to Pasadena Hilton to celebrate. As I arrived at the hotel, I saw two little black girls around 7 or 8 years old jumping up and down, hugging each other, and in absolute glee. As I entered the ballroom, there was music and celebration and smiles, but the importance of that celebration was that it was on the faces of about every possible race of our country; on the faces of young and old, men and women, gay and straight. That to me is the power of this election. There were expressions of joy and hope on the faces of young people who had been too bored or at least not excited enough to leave their couches, who were 100% engaged. There were young and old African Americans who had tears in their eyes, of hope, and of joy at the end of a very long and painful struggle.

Listening to Donna Brazile, on ABC this morning, stated the historical importance of this moment is talking about the steps of the US Capital building that was built by slaves, will be the very steps where Obama will take his oath of office. The slaves never would have had in their imaginations that one day there would be a black man as a president.

But, with all of the excitement here in the US, along with around the world, there is also the reality that we have only just begun on the hard work of bringing our country back to a healthier place. It will be no easy task, and so my prayers are with President elect Barack Obama, Joe Biden and whoever will now become the cabinet members and the presidential staff members, for strength and vision, for hope and the ability to discern the true needs and the best solutions for our collective future.

God Bless the USA.

My name is Mama for Obama and I approve this message.

The Spirituality of Voting

2008-11-04T10:59:00.000-08:00

Today, was a day of great importance, and we don't even have the answer yet. But this morning I woke up at about 4:59am with a sense of great anticipation. I got up and sat quietly thinking about this day, which I am anticipating will be a historical day. Within me, there was more than a sense of urgency, of getting my votes in and being a responsible citizen, but that it was truly a process of searching my heart for what I believe, what are the most important values within me, and then speaking about it through how I vote. It goes beyond a political belief, but a deeply spiritual one, of how I am to respond to the needs of the day. How do I feel God leading within me? And I acknowledge that those who voted differently than I did, very likely went through the same process I did, and believe for themselves to be a spiritual process.

And I am grateful that we live in a country that, inspite of the political differences and the intensity of the debates, we can still go into the polling booth, cast our vote, and have a transition of power without a coup, or violence. We do live in a wonderful country.

My prayer is for the candidate I chose to win, but more than that, I hope that whoever wins, there will be a coming together, and working towards a healthier country, because we find ways to move in positive directions for the common good.

"Soul Song"

2008-10-25T08:26:00.000-07:00

The Lectionary Gospel passage for this Sunday is Jesus' interaction with the Pharisees and Sadduccees, about Loving God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, and loving your neighbor as yourself. He then goes in and asks them what they understand about the messiah. What it means to them. On a lectionary discussion board I go to frequently, this story was shared. I find it a beautiful illustration of soul, and how when we know to whom we belong, we will live out a life of loving others as we have been loved. When we get off track, we need someone to remind us again of who we are, and to whom we belong. I love the idea that we each have a soul song.

Soul Song.

"When a woman in a certain African tribe knows she is pregnant, she goes out into the wilderness with a few women friends and together they pray and meditate until they hear the song of the child. They recognize that every soul has its own vibration that expresses its unique flavor and purpose. When the women attune to the song, they sing it out loud. Then they return to the tribe and teach it to everyone else. When the child is born, the community gathers and sings the child's song to him or her. Later, when the child enters education, the village gathers and chants the child's song. When the child passes through the initiation to adulthood, the people again come together and sing. At the time of marriage, the person hears his or her song.Finally, when the soul is about to pass from this world, the family and friends gather at the person's bed, just as they did at their birth, and they sing the person to the next life. In the African tribe, there is one other occasion upon which the villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community form a circle around them. Then they sing their song to them.The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment; it is LOVE, and the remembrance of identity. When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another. A friend is someone who knows our song and sings it to us when we have forgotten it. Those who love us are not fooled by mistakes we have made or dark images we hold about ourselves. They remember our beauty when we feel ugly; our wholeness when we are broken; our innocence when we feel guilty; and our purpose when we are confused."Our relationship with God, with our neighbor, is a song sung to our soul. And where "there is love, there is God."

Just my thoughts for this week.

Sisters From Different Mothers

2008-10-21T12:53:00.000-07:00

Today, I am hostessing a tea for a group of ladies who have gathered together for tea and sharing lives for the last 30+ years. They are friends of more like 50 years, who as their kids were growing up and they were leading busy lives, decided to set aside time for "girltalk." So they gather for tea, once a month at each others' homes. As they are all in their 80's now, some have passed away, and on those months, they go out for tea at a teahouse of some sort. They talk, catch up on each others' lives, and have that connection of faith, fellowship, laughter, and sharing the joys and sorrows of each others' lives. "They are sisters from different mothers." As my mom has her own health issues, she is no longer able to do all the preparation of the tea, so I am doing it for her, with a little help from two "sisters of different mothers" of my own. One girlfriend, Lori, has been my closest friend since kindergarten, when our teacher pulled aside both of our mom's and said, "You have to get these girls together. They play so well together." We have been playing for 47 years now, and although we have lived in different states for the last 30 something years, we talk to each other almost daily and see each other about every other year. Toni, the other friend, is here as well. We have been friends since 10 or 11 years old. Her mom was in the tea group, and was like a second mom to me. Bets passed away 8 years ago.Toni's daughter was my flower girl in my wedding. So, Toni, Lori and I are doing the tea today, so the ladies can see them, and to keep the tradition going. We can share the next chapters.

There is a special connection between women, who have a spiritual bond, who have a history, and who share similar stories of experiences and love. The "Tea Group" are not exactly the Ya Ya Sisterhood, because they are far more tame! But they do have the history, and the understanding of each other, that enables them to come into each others' homes and just begin where they left off. There are some things that just don't even need to be spoken, because it is understood. When someone from their group is sick or passes away, the others are right there, to help them get through the grief. It was like that when we learned of my brother's sudden death. Within minutes of the news being announced, we had about a dozen people in our living room. One went up to our cabin to pick up my brother's wallet and his truck to bring it here. Others had meals coming in for the next week or so, others organized the reception following his service. But more than that, they were all holding us close, crying with us, and helping to make the burden a little lighter.

All I can say is we all need sisters like this. And our brothers need brothers like this. The spouses of these "Sisters of different Mothers" are equally present and like family. It is so important to have people, to have a community, a family of friends who you know you can celebrate with, or share burdens with. It adds a richness to life, that is immeasurable.

He's at Peace

2008-10-17T20:00:00.000-07:00

The man I discussed in the last two posts passed away early this morning.

His wishes were granted. He went to sleep, and he had no pain.

His family surrounded him with love until he died.

Prayers for his family, as they grieve, and celebrate his long and very happy life. His wife of 63 years, said they had no regrets, and had many happy memories to remember for many years to come.

Bless them all. May God be their comfort, peace and strength.

A Blessing

2008-10-16T20:52:00.000-07:00

Today I went to visit with the man I spoke about in my previous post. He is very weak, and was waiting for a cousin to arrive to say goodbye. Through very garbled speech, he said, "Say Something!" I asked if I could give him a blessing. He nodded his head yes.

These are the words I gave to him:

May the Lord Bless you and keep you.
May The Lord make His face to shine upon you
and be gracious to you. May the Lord lift up his
countenance upon you and give you Peace."

He mouthed "Thank you." and went to sleep.

His only requests were to go to sleep and not be in pain. So far, both are true for him. May they remain so.

Life and Death

2008-10-15T22:41:00.000-07:00

What happens in an individual with a terminal disease, who has been pursuing life prolonging measures, and suddenly decides they no longer want to continue? For instance a person who has had a G-tube to feed him, and comes to a place of wanting it removed, knowing he will die a lot sooner if this is done?

Is this person suicidal? Not necessarily. Should every measure be done to cause this person to continue the feedings, even against his will? Should he be considered imbalanced, or unable to make a valid and rational decision? Again, not necessarily. At least not in my thinking. As a hospice spiritual care counselor, I often have patients who come to a place of not wanting to continue particular kinds of treatment, knowing it will hasten their death. But they are completely rational about it. They are just as clear in their thinking as their original decision to have the G tube to be placed earlier in their treatment. It is merely a change of decision; a deeper clarity of the quality of life that has been diminished, and a readiness to let go.

One particular patient recently made this decision. He and his wife have discussed this for about a year. At one time, they talked about wanting to die together, a sentiment that many couples who have been married for many happy years make, when they cannot fathom life without the other. This particular patient has discussed it with his nurses, and with his wife, as well as his family, but he made the decision yesterday to act on the sentiments of his heart. He knows his children are coming this weekend, and he will have an opportunity to say goodbye to them. His wife is supportive and sad, but understanding. How could you not after 50+ years of marriage?

But one of the questions we must ask is: what happens in a person when they debate an issue about life and death, for a year or more, and then come to a sudden place of saying, "No More." And secondly, what is the responsibility for those who are the caregivers? Some might say we should do everything possible to change his mind. Some might say that only God decides when our time to die might be. Some others might say, it is his right to decide whether or not to continue with life prolonging measures. Those in the right to die movement, would say we just need to respect the decision and allow them to die with dignity.

I do believe there is a definite time within each of us when we are ready to let go. There is a time when one looks within and decides that there is no quality of life, and when they decide to discontinue life prolonging measures, and pursue comfort care only. It doesn't mean they are depressed, or crazy, or suicidal. In fact, it is often a very healthy decision. It is most certainly a very spiritual decision, because it has to come from within. And it is often different for each individual. As a spiritual care counselor, it isn't my job to try to talk them out of it. Rather, it is my job to help them to sort out those very personal decisions according to their own beliefs.

One could easily argue that the continuance of artificial feedings, is only prolonging the inevitable, and thus hindering the person from dying in the natural ways. One could also assert that as long as the life prolonging measures had not been used, it most likely would have been God's timing for a person's time to die. So in a sense, respecting one's right to stop life prolonging measures, in order to allow that person to die with dignity and without pain, is also enabling them to go on to the next life. While I know that there are many in our society who do not believe in a life after death, I have seen too many patients who indicate differently; who call out to loved ones who have died before them, who are with them as they die.

It is truly a spiritual sense from within each individual that says when one is ready to die. And that time can be a truly sacred time for the patient and family, to say their goodbyes, their thank you's, their possible need for forgiveness or reconciliation, and for the individual's family to finally give their loved one permission to go. What has been a scary and painful time, can often be a truly sacred time, if allowed. It is my prayer to enable this sacredness to happen, if at all within my power to do so.

Southern California Fires

2008-10-13T22:44:00.000-07:00

This morning we woke up to the news of the fire in Southern California yet again. With the entrance of the Santa Ana winds, usually comes fire as well. It always creates such a sense of fear and anxiety that this time it might be our home. We went through the fear of possibly losing our home a few years back when the fires hit the San Bernardino Mountains where we have a mountain home. It wasn't just the possible loss of the cabin, it was all the meaning of that place that my brother built; where he lived, and died, that makes all of those emotions come to the surface. The fear, the hope, all intermingled, and brought into a prayer for all concerned.

If we were to lose our home now, it wouldn't be the structure itself, it is the furniture inside that was made by my grandfather, the cabinets made by grandpa and great uncle, the furniture made by my brother. It would be easy to grab the documents, and the pictures; and of course to have my family with me, as well as my pets.

It is in times like this that we need to search our hearts, and to truly look at our whole values. Hopefully, if we are so blessed to still have our homes, we will extend our hand of support and assistance to those who weren't so blessed. And if we were to lose our homes, I would hope that we would put our hope and trust in the One who Created us, and in the knowledge that it isn't in that which rusts or corrupts where we hold our security.

But, my prayers are with those who are in shelters tonight; some of whom have lost their homes and belongings. My prayers are with the firefighters who are so amazing in how many homes they are able to save, in horrific conditions. My prayer is for their safety as they put their lives on the line.

My prayer is for those who are sick enough to see the Santa Ana Winds as an opportunity to start fires that take peoples' homes or cause bodily harm to others. Two lives have already been lost, as a direct result of these fires. May they stop, get help, or be caught so they can get help.

My prayer is for the homeless man living in a wood and metal shack along the freeway who was overcome by smoke and flames, and lost his life, that he will be remembered. As well as the man driving the tow truck, who died today. May they both be remembered and their families comforted.

Elections and Spiritual Integrity

2008-10-07T23:35:00.000-07:00

While I admit that the political process of campaigns is a difficult challenge, and that it is necessary to point out the opponent's failures, or at least prove how your policies are better than theirs, what I have seen in the last couple of weeks has degraded to a tirade of lies. And while I also admit that I am a firm Obama fan, and so may be a little biased, I see McCain and Palin as being far more guilty of the blatant lies than I have seen from Barack Obama in this whole campaign. In fact, I would say that Obama has done an excellent job with taking the high road. He hasn't questioned his opponent's patriotism. He has said they have "fundamental differences."

But for all candidates, and especially for those who claim to be Christians, I need to pose the question of where faith comes in to the whole process? What impact does the personal faith of these candidates have on the talking points that they put across? I would hope that it would be moving each of them towards not only refraining from the lies, but making sure that whatever words come out of their mouths, whether they originate with the candidates themselves or are handed to them by a speech writer, would be checked out to make sure they are factual. Each of us are responsible for the words we speak. We are accountable, not only to the public of the United States, but most of all to God.

What I have seen, especially in the last couple of days, with Sarah Palin trying to tie Obama to Ayers, when he was 8 years old at the time of his actions, is unbelievable. To insight fear in the crowds, based on lies and propoganda, to the point of someone in the crowd yelling, "Terrorist" and "Kill him." with no response or attempts to stop it is inexcusable. It is not one with any sense of integrity as a proposed leader of this country, but especially as one who has been redeemed and set apart as one who is to be giving glory to God by our words and our actions. And has Sarah Palin ever heard of Video tape? Her accusations are now in print, and can be proven, and then what kind of a testimony to Jesus Christ is she? I don't think she will be hearing the words, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." It is more like "Jesus Wept."

Family

2008-10-05T23:17:00.000-07:00

The older I get, the more I realize the importance of family, and realize how too often our families only get together for weddings or funerals, and sometimes holidays. My cousins, from N. Ireland/Scotland are visiting. So we had a reunion today, which was so much fun. It was great to catch up with them & to see my son wrestling and playing around with cousins he barely knows, but seemed to have a great connection with.

But there is something about family, that ties us to those who define who we are, who share similar stories, who remind us of our heritage, and who give us a sense of belonging. It is so important to maintain those ties that ground us.

As I was sitting there at the table with my parents and my dad's cousins who are all in their 80's now, it was very apparent that our time with them has a time limit, and that at least for me, when my parents are gone, these cousins whom I love, but whom I rarely see, will be the only family I will have, not counting my son. I began gathering phone numbers and email addresses, and realizing that if we don't take the responsibility of keeping in touch, we will get involved with our daily lives, and lose contact with each other. It happens too often. I don't want that happening with us. One of my cousins and I began talking about having a family portrait done with everyone. While the logistics of that sounds daunting, it would be great to at least try.

As much as we may be different in terms of lifestyles, political or religous preferences, etc. we still have this tie that binds us, simply because of my grandmother and her brothers (all 7 of them) who were born in Northern Ireland, half of whom moved to the USA, and half stayed in Northern Ireland. We have all gone over to visit our family in Northern Ireland, and most of them have now come over here to see us. It is great when we gather, and share our stories, and lives; our joys and sorrows; share pictures, dreams, hopes, etc.

Family, for all of it's bizarre aspects, and sometimes dysfunctional dynamics, is an awesome thing to be a part of.

But the other cool thing about family, is that we can also have family that are chosen. Family who come into our lives through a variety of circumstances and experiences, but become such a part of us that we know we can depend on them as much as we would drop everything to go be with them if needed. Those who touch our souls in those deep places and we no longer have to explain ourselves or our needs but know there is an unspoken understanding that just exists. One of my sisters is a dear friend from Kindergarten on, so about 40+ years, refers to us as "sisters from different mothers."

So my hope for all is that as we each have family, whether it be biological or chosen, that we all know who we belong to, and who belongs to us. And beyond that, I hope that we all take good care of each other.

"Sacred Depths"

2008-10-04T21:47:00.000-07:00

Last week I attended a special training session in a discipline for communicating with Alzheimer's/dementia patients called Sacred Depths. We were with a man named Stan Tomandl, who co authored the book "An Alzheimer's Surprise Party." We observed he, his wife, and one of our chaplains with a visit with a particular woman who is non verbal, who is very contracted, and who in most circumstances, remains in a state of sleeping and a disconnect with her surroundings. The chaplain got down by her feet, so she could maintain eye contact, which she called "Eye Communion." She sang Ps. 23, in a kind of Gregorian Chant, and Tomandl and his wife held her hands, but every movement they made, to communicate with her, they told her what they would do. Any movement that she did, they allowed her to take the lead, and responded to her, naming what she had done, e/g, telling her how strong she was, as they felt her grip, etc. As the patient held their hands, Ann said, "There you are!" and the patient looked up at her and smiled. Both the MSW and the Chaplain who have been working with her for months, had never seen her smile. It was a really beautiful process to watch, of honoring her, taking an attitude of humility, and taking the time to notice her movements, even eyes blinking, in a way that many alzheimers and dementia patients are often not given. And it was SOOOO AMAZING to see how she responded to them. If anyone is interested in reading some of his material, go to http://www.comacommunication.com./ He has also used these methods with coma patients, with great and often very profound results. I can now hardly wait to go visit some of my patients and try this out!! But can you all imagine how powerful it would be to be a person who is often ignored, spoken about; but not to; misunderstood, etc. to have people who take the time to communicate with them, to honor them, to observe their non verbal communication, etc? And to let them be actively involved and in fact leading the communication/interactions. . . It is so honoring. 80% of our communication is non verbal. We who are so dependent on just words, need to learn the language. This was pretty amazing to be a part of.

It confirmed to me a belief that I have held for a long time regarding Alzheimer's and Dementia patients, that as long as there is breath, there is Spirit, and thus we can communicate with them on a spiritual level, if we but learn the language in which to do so. I have seen patients who couldn't remember their families, who remember parts of The Lord's Prayer, or a hymn, or a scripture verse they had memorized years before. I have also believed that if you were to listen to the emotions underneath the words that don't make sense sequentially, you can glean tremendous insight into the spiritual states of the patients. If we speak to that condition, and name it for them, and then pray for that, we can help them to have some kind of peace in what can be a scary and lonely time for these beloved people.

What I witnessed last week with the complete humility, and respect shown to these patients, their taking the patient's lead was a powerful experience. To people who are often ignored with the assumption they don't understand; or having their daily routines established for them, people who are not willing to take the time to listen, observe, and really connect with them, this "Sacred Depths" way of communicating is a true gift.

The Issue of Forgiveness

2008-09-15T19:27:00.000-07:00

It seems that we all have situations in our lives that necessitate our forgiving one for a hurt in our lives.

One of my patients is a 41 year old single mom of 4 children, dying of cervical cancer. She was in treatment for the last two years, so was unable to work, which meant she lost her insurance etc. Her parents have been paying her rent in an apartment. From the time I met this family, it was apparent that there was some serious discord between daughter and her parents; especially daughter and mother. From the mother's perspective, the daughter and she are "different," especially spiritually. Mother is Methodist. Daughter has chosen Buddhism as her spiritual practice. But the more I listened to the interaction between the two, it was apparent to me, that beyond the different choices, there was a lack of acceptance of the daughter by her mother, not just for faith choice, but as a person. I learned that the daughter is adopted, and that as an infant she had been in many foster homes in the first few months of her life, and abused in one of them. I believe she had an attachment disorder, and the mom never really bonded with her as a baby, which set off a cycle of hurt that has lasted our patient's whole life.

Recently, as this young woman has weakened, we began discussing next steps for her, as it was quickly becoming apparent that her living alone would not work. We looked at the options: a caregiver in the home, to enable her to die at home, or possibly moving to a convalescent hospital. Obviously, her preference was to be at home. Her parents' although financially very comfortable, stated they could not only not afford a caregiver in the home, they could no longer afford the apt. she was living in. She was moved to a Seniors Apartment not too far from her home. This place is owned by a relative, and apparently gave them a good price. As her parents moved her from her apt. to her new place of residence, they discarded a lot of her things without checking with her. The items they discarded were things she had set aside for her children. She looked at me and said, "They treat me like I am already dead." She has set up boundaries between herself and her parents. She is hurt and angry. But then she said, " I know I need to forgive them, because we have to continue a relationship, and they are doing the best they can. They are not doing the best. But they are doing the best they can."

The late Lewis Smedes, a former Christian Ethics Professor at Fuller Theological Seminary, and author of the book, "Forgive and Forget" has a definition of forgiveness that is: " Surrenduring the right to get even." He says that in order for us to truly forgive, we must acknowledge that a wrong has been done. Otherwise, why would we have to forgive, right? But essentially, we are saying that with us, the cycle of hurt, violence, etc. is stopped. I find this definition very helpful, and have used it, and it works! I shared this idea with her, and she too found it helpful.

An important thought of Buddhist thought is to create an environment of peace. It is important to be in harmony with other people as well as the world around us. It is with this idea that I began to work with her, about how we can take this new place that she is living in, and create a place of peace and tranquility, as she lives out the last few weeks of her life. And part of that is how she deals with her parents as well. She has already chosen to forgive, and to remain in relationship with her parents, believing she has no real choice. And so, she has chosen the way she will respond, how she will relate, and how she will interact, in order to be true to herself.

As I left her room I noticed a book on her bedside table, which I unfortunately cannot remember the name of. But she said it is about how people choose the outcomes of their lives, in a previous life. She gave examples of alcoholism, etc. I asked her, " so this book would say that you chose to be dying of cervical cancer at age 41?" She said, "absolutely." She felt that idea made a lot of sense to her.

OK, as a Christian, and as a mom, this idea makes absolutely no sense to me! And I question how much of this young woman's perspective that she somehow "chose" the outcome of her life, to die way too young, and leave behind her children, comes from her upbringing, and her sense of never being accepted in her childhood home? And I would say secondarily, what does she need to forgive herself for?

As a Christian, I just don't believe that we choose how or when we die. There are many aspects of our lives that are outside of our control. But God is in our midst, giving us hope in hopeless circumstances & never leaving us alone.

"O.K. I'm Much Clearer Now!"

2008-09-13T11:46:00.000-07:00

"I'm a little confused. Let me see if I have this straight..... * If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you're "exotic, different."
* Grow up in Alaska eating moose burgers, a quintessential American story.

* If your name is Barack you're a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.
* Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you're a maverick.

* Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.
* Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you're well grounded.

* If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran's Affairs committees, you don't have any real leadership experience.

* If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you're qualified to become the country's second highest ranking executive.

* If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you're not a real Christian.

* If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you're a Christian.

* If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.

* If , while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state's school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant , you're very responsible.

* If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family's values don't represent America's.

* If your husband is nicknamed "First Dude", with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn't register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.

*If you respect science, you're spiritually bankrupt.

*If you believe Adam & Eve and Satan shared acreage with the dinosaurs and the world is about 6,000 years old, you're qualified to appoint Supreme Court justices.

OK, much clearer now."

Sacred Depths

2008-09-10T20:24:00.001-07:00

Because I am a hospice spiritual care counselor whose patients often have Alzheimer's or Dementia, I have often asked the question of how I can best reach these patients spiritually. The previous hospice I served told us that we were not allowed to see them, because they cannot carry on a conversation. We were told it was a medicare requirement. But that always bothered me, because even in my limited experience, I had discovered the possibility of reaching these patients if I was able to listen to the emotion underneath what they were saying. In doing this, I had accomplished having some pretty profound encounters with patients, who were said to be speaking only indiscernible babble. Being somewhat rebellious, I tried to find ways around the rules, by meeting the family members at the facilities, and that way I could talk to the patient, but chart on what the family members said. That way everyone was happy. Yes, I thought it was a pretty creative solution as well, thank you!

Well now, in my current hospice, the rule of not seeing the alzheimer's and dementia doesn't exist. In fact our hospice specializes in alzheimer's and dementia treatment, that treats the residents with dignity and has all kinds of ways of treating them in ways, such as redirecting, and a new spiritual discipline called Sacred Depths, that is a process of communicating with patients and getting to their spiritual being, below the neurological traits that we see with our eyes.

Today, I spoke with the daughter of one of our new patients, who is also a spiritual care counselor, in a different state. She relayed this conversation she had with her mom, where she wrote down all these things that her mom shared with her, about wanting to be free, of acknowledging to her daughter that she had the kind of compassion and skill to help her, speaking about the women who have struggled in her family, and much, much more. It was so exciting to hear this. Her daughter had written down the statements of content, and emotion, that her mom spoke, intermingled with strings of nonsensical speech. But when you put all of the emotionally related statements, you get a very clear picture of where this woman is spiritually. It gave me goosebumps.

It has long been my belief that until a person takes their last breath, their spirit is alive, and it is just a matter of our trying to find the key to reach them.

This gives me such hope as my own mother is in the beginning stages of dementia, and I now have the possible keys to reaching her as well, when that time comes. Hallelujah!

Susan

Religion and Politics

2008-09-06T00:03:00.000-07:00

We have all been taught that we shouldn't discuss religion and politics. They are the two topics that are felt with the most passion, and can cause deep division amongst family members and friends of many years. But that poses a great challenge for me, because there is so much about the political beliefs I hold that are also deeply held beliefs of my faith. The two go hand in hand. So it becomes a deep challenge when I encounter brothers and sisters in the faith who believe opposite of me, and yet also feel it because of their Christian Faith.

Right now in our country, we have a huge divide. There are those in the religious right who take strong stands on abortion, war, homosexuality, and a strong stand on evangelical Christianity. In those circles, to be Christian is to be Republican, and to be Republican is to be evangelical Christian.

On the other side there are those who are equally strong in Christian commitment and faith, but take much different stands on some of the above mentioned positions. They also would say that Christianity is so much more than what we believe about abortion or homosexuality. They have taken strong stands against the war in Iraq, and believe that the religious right have ignored the Biblical injunctions regarding our care of the poor. I definitely fall in this camp. Of late, especially during the George W. Bush years, there has been a strong reaction to policies, but it goes beyond partisan differences. The differences are deeply held convictions of faith.

I have felt for many years that although I attended an "evangelical" seminary, that I no longer wanted to refer to myself as an evangelical Christian. I am pro choice. I believe that homosexuality is not a choice but how someone is born. To have some hold placards declaring, "God hates fags" is abhorrent to me, and I believe to God as well. I am vehemently against the war in Iraq, and believe that the decisions to go were immoral. But more than anything, I do not believe that being republican is synonymous with being Christian. While there are many wonderful Christians who are republican, there are also many wonderful Christians who are democrat. I am one of them! And as Jim Wallis said, "God is not a Republican, or a Democrat!" I am a woman pastor, and know completely that there are many out there who believe I shouldn't be because I am a woman. I believe that is a bunch of hooey.

Jim Wallis' book, "God's Politics: Why the Right is Wrong and the Left Doesn't Get It." is a wonderful book. It gave voice to a huge community of Christians, who were mistakenly staying silent, out of not wanting to be associated with a definition of Christianity that didn't fit. Wallis challenged Christians to speak up, to use our voices, and to vote our conscience. His second book, The Great Awakening is discussing the result of God's Politics, and the Awakening that is happening across the country, regarding Christians who are very strong on our responsibility to the poor, to addressing issues of poverty, homelessness, and issues of social justice. It was the needed shot in the arm, or perverbial kick in the butt to get going, and use our voices.

So, I for one, am doing my best, by the grace of God to live out my faith, which includes in the polling booth. It is the place that I believe is a sacred place of responsibility, accountability, and in some very real ways, an act of worship.

And I have to declare that I will not be voting for John McCain and Sarah Palin. I in fact, am a Mama for Obama!!! Amen? AMEN!!

New Beginnings

2008-08-31T21:55:00.000-07:00

Today, I met a sister face to face, who I met on a clergy discussion board. Her congregation is located in Southern California, and although it has been in the same place for many years, they are in a process of revisioning, which will most likely include selling the property and moving to another location, in order to allow another group move in, who can reach out to the changing neighborhood more effectively.

It is posing some important questions for them as they seek to move forward and seek God's Spirit to guide them and direct them to the next steps for them. After discussions with Pam, and some of her congregation members, we took a look at the reality of needing to grieve before they can truly move on.

My supervisor in Clinical Pastoral Education, (CPE) spoke of grief as being more than just the loss, but what that loss symbolizes for these beautiful people of God. It is the loss of the place where the sacred activities of their lives have taken place; the weddings, the baptisms, the weekly worship, the sacrament of the eucharist, the celebrations of the resurrection when those in their midst died.

It was such an honor to be with them this morning, and to be asked to give them a benediction. Beyond reminding them that they are not alone in this journey, and that there are a group of Desperate preachers who are praying for them, it was the reminder of Abraham who was called to move to a land that he didn't know, and the promise that God was with them, and would give them the direction for their next steps. I encouraged them to seek this new beginning with a sense of expectation for what God will do, but we discovered over ice cream sundaes, that they are grieving, and before they can move on with expectation, they need to grieve.

But, here is the benediction I left with them: "As you go, may God go before you to show you the way, above you to watch over you, beside you to befriend you, and within you to give you peace."

Shalom.

"Slow Dance"

2008-08-12T23:41:00.000-07:00

"Slow Dance"

Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round ,
Or listened to the rainslapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight,
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down
Don't dance so fast,
Time is short, The music won't last.

Do you run through each day on the fly?
When you ask "How are you?"do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed,
With the next hundred chores running through your head?
You'd better slow down Don't dance so fast,
Time is short The music won't last

Ever told your child,We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste, not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,Let a good friendship die?
'Cause you never had timeto call and say "Hi"?
You'd better slow down,
Don't dance so fast,
Time is shortThe music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere,
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....Thrown away...
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower,
Hear the music,
Before the song is over.

Credited to David L. Weatherford
http://www.davidlweatherford.com/

Tom

2008-08-11T17:35:00.000-07:00

As I was at work and doing a graveside service for one of my patients, It dawned on me that it is the 7th anniversary of my brother's sudden death. He died suddenly of a heart attack at the young age of 46. It's funny how we can get up in the morning and go through our day, and not think of something like that until we see the date, and it jogs the memory. So, I am pensive. Not particularly sad, but pensive, thinking, remembering. We went and put some flowers at his nitche, and talked a little about how unbelieveable it is that he has been gone for 7 years. In some ways it seems like an eternity, and in others it seems like yesterday.

My clinical pastoral education supervisor talked about grief being more than just the sadness of a loss of that person, but also what that person symbolized to us. I have given that great thought through the last 7 years. Tom shared my DNA, like no one else in the world. We shared the life experiences and didn't have to explain to each other. It's especially poignant these days as I am now an only child, caring for elderly parents. We would have been partners in this journey that is often challenging.

But he was a gifted builder, artistic, musical, a great friend, funny. And much, much more.
I do miss him.

A Mother's Wish

2008-08-04T16:48:00.000-07:00

One of my patients died this last Sat. She had three children, all of whom were adopted. She was the glue that held her family together, and as often happens in families, the siblings weren't getting along too well. One daughter, who was a nurse, single and lived closest to her mom, was the primary caregiver, at great sacrifice to herself. The other two children lived on opposite ends of the state, and came in as often as possible, to help out and provide care.

This Mother's greatest wish was that she wanted her children to continue to be a family after she died. It was very important to her. She held on for awhile longer than expected to see if they would come together. Sat. morning, the two sisters called their brother at his home and said he should probably come up as it was getting close. He got in his car right away and drove up to his mom's home. Our patient had been told that he was on his way. 30 minutes after he arrived, this mom looked up at her three children who were all standing there together, with their arms around each other, and she took her last breath. Her wish had been granted.

When I arrived, I had a long conversation with her son who relayed that he had not been told of his adoption until he was an adult. He learned about it while dealing with his father's estate, and found the adoption papers for each of the children. Although it was difficult to learn about it that way, he discussed it with his mom, and had some issues of anger and betrayal that he had to work through. But then, he searched for his natural mom, who he learned was an alcoholic and that he was the eldest of 10 children, all of whom had drug and alcohol issues. He stood in awe at how he had been so blessed, completely by grace, to have been removed from that family and raised in his family where he had many opportunities, and a healthy and happy life. The glue that had brought this family together in the first place, by adoption, had the fear that at her passing, they would separate, saw, and most importantly, her children saw, that there was so much more to being a family than genetics. A Mother's wish was granted.

The gift that this son had, was that he could see the providence in his being adopted, and see that it was by grace that he had been plucked from one family and placed in another. And deep within his soul he had a sense of belonging.

Truly a gift of grace.

Susan

Frustrations

2008-07-26T18:27:00.000-07:00

I have learned over the last few days just how addicted to the computer I really am! Our modem died, and after a couple of days with tech support appointments, we bought another modem and spent awhile longer with tech support, to get it set up. Ahhhhhhhh. I am connected again.

But today, besides the tech support, was one of those days where everything I had to do, didn't happen easily, and some didn't happen at all. I arrived at the post office exactly 1 minute after it closed, and needed to mail some pics of vacation to my inlaws, and a friend. I went to get some new clothes at this new, supposedly hot store, and couldn't find one thing that fit right. (Unfortunately, it isn't that new hot store's fault!).

I also learned that there is yet another fire in California, and it is near Yosemite, my favorite sacred spot in the world. I looked it up on the map and the fire is pretty far from the park itself, but with the dry brush here, it has potential. Please stop.

But with all the frustrations of the day, they weren't bad in the grand scheme of things. I received a phone call from a friend from High School. I officiated her wedding in 2005; a second marriage for both. Her husband passed away from Cancer two days ago. Somehow, all the frustrating picky stuff of the day doesn't even compare.

Susan

Yosemite

2008-07-17T23:28:00.000-07:00

Today we are at Yosemite National Park. It has to be my favorite place on the earth. Coming out of the tunnel on Ca. Hwy 41, is the most breathtaking shot, of the whole Valley laid out before you. There is El Capitan over to the left side, with it's massive, flat, solid granite shooting up, to the heavens. Then there is Half Dome, with his curved back and point. Directly across the valley from El Capitan is Cathedral Spires; three solid rock steeples, side by side, reaching up. I see this site and I think of Ps. 8, "Oh Lord, Our Lord, How Majestic is Your Name in all the Earth!"

Continuing on the highway beyond this viewpoint, takes you to the floor of the Valley, where there are beautiful meadows, and the Merced River gently winding down through the valley. In one of the meadows is a little brown church, small, very natural looking, and surrounded by beauty. Maybe this is my retirement calling!!!! Oh, Please God, Can I suffer for you here? (Teeheehee).

The fun part is showing this favorite place of mine to my son, and my mother and brother in laws who are all seeing it for the first time. I am not sure whether they or I am in more awe. Them for seeing the beauty for the first time, or me getting the blessing of seeing it again. Hopefully our Spirits are ones who can maintain the Awe of God's creation, even if seeing it for the tenth time, as if seeing for the first time; with awe, splendor and wonder.

The Ocean

2008-07-16T16:06:00.000-07:00

What is it about the ocean that is so spiritual? Today my inlaws, my parents, my son and I went to The Getty Villa on Pacific Coast Highway. It was gorgeous. But I will tell you, on the way home, we stopped to walk on the beach. There is just something about walking along the beach, getting the sand between your toes and having the water run up on your legs that is so refreshing. It seems to wipe any time away, and the salt water air, wipes away any stress that may have been present.

Watching the people who are all relaxing; people flying kites, swimming or chasing each other in the water, watching the seagulls, etc. renews the spirit, and brings such a huge smile to my face. I need to do this more often. Here, we only live about 30 minutes from the beach, and I may as well be hours away. We rarely go. Getting caught into a routine of working and errands around the house, etc.

I need more salt air, more sand between my toes, more ocean water on my feet and legs, and maybe even the whole bod! I need to watch more seagulls and children of all ages in a mode of relaxation. It's good for the spirit, to refresh the soul and to renew us all. Ahhhhhh.

Susan

Soul Listening

2008-07-09T22:24:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I attended a Bible Study at our church. The topic was on Prayer primarily. The speaker reminded us about the need for silence, in order to hear the Spirit speaking to us. We were given a list of questions, that came from Phillip Yancey's book, "Prayer, Does it Make Any Difference."

They are as follows:

How can I slow down?
How can I simplify?
How can I bring silence into my life?
Hw can I savor this moment?
How can I speak up? (Tell the Truth)
How can I settle in? (Establish roots and rituals)
How can I shed my armor and masks?
How can I soften my approach to life?
How can I serve the community?

All great questions. The only one I don't struggle with is the last one! I do serve my community, both local and throughout LA. To the point sometimes of being frazzled!! But slowing down? Simplifying? Silence? What's that? It is what I need to do, in order to remain open to the transformative work of the Spirit. The three things that distract us or prevent us from being able to do "Soul Listening" is Busyness, Noise and Crowds. It is a discipline to create the space to listen; to be still, and to be intentional about being in touch with our Spirits.

It is hard work, but necessary. Any comments or ideas are welcomed!

Susan

She's Got a Ticket

2008-06-28T15:59:00.000-07:00

One of the most eye opening books I have read regarding Hospice issues, is "Final Gifts" written by two hospice nurses, Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley. It speaks of the language of the dying, and relates their experiences as hospice nurses, identifying the needs that each patient had in order to completely let go. Without having the years of experience, and paying attention to the different signs, we would all miss out on the messages that our loved ones are trying to share with us, and thus, we miss out on the sacred experiences that are being acted out in front of us.

Recently, I had a patient who was in her 90's. "Elizabeth" was originally from Chicago area, but had lived in Southern California with her family for years. Her sister was still living in the Chicago area, being taken care of by her son. Both Elizabeth and her sister were in the last stages of their lives. One morning, Elizabeth related to her daughter that she needed to go get her sister, in order to go ice skating, but she needed to get the ticket to go. Her daughter thought little about that comment until she spoke with her cousin, and relayed that story to him. He told Elizabeth's daughter that his mother had said the same thing, just days before, except that she needed to go get her sister Elizabeth. Both were communicating the need to go on a trip, needing the other one, and needing a ticket to go.

Only a few weeks later, as Elizabeth began her transitioning phase, her daughter went and got some tickets. She placed them in her mom's hand and said, "Mom, you have your tickets now, it's ok for you to go." Elizabeth passed away just minutes later. To my knowledge, her sister is still waiting to go on her trip. My hope for her is that she will have her ticket in her hands soon.

I have personally witnessed many times in my time as a hospice spiritual care counselor, is our patients who call out the names of those in their family who have gone before them. Although no one else in the room may see them, the dying person certainly does. I have experienced it in my own family as well. It gives me great comfort to know, that even though our loved ones are leaving us, that they are often met and escorted by their spouses, siblings, parents, grandparents, or others of significance. It doesn't seem as lonely a journey to die, knowing they are held on this side of life as well as the next.

20th Year Anniversary

2008-06-26T18:21:00.000-07:00

It dawned on me today that I have been ordained for 20 years today, in the PCUSA. Although this is a Thursday and I was ordained on a Sunday afternoon. But it makes me stop and think about the last 20 years, and to realize not only everywhere I have been, but spiritually how I have changed in that time, as I have grown in understanding of the One who called me, and of myself; who I am called to be.

20 years of ministry have been hard. But they have also given me experiences that I wouldn't trade for anything. I have had many moments of what I would call "Holy Ground." Those are moments that are beyond our ability to control circumstances; when God has moved within me and within the hearts of those I was called to serve, and we come away feeling we had a deeper understanding of who we are to be, or how we are to respond to situations in life, and of who God is.

I would say that as I have grown older, and hopefully wiser, I have felt a greater sense of compassion within, and a greater comfort level with mystery. For as many questions that I have had answered, I have developed 10 more questions, and it doesn't mean that I feel less assured, or secure in faith. It means that I can entrust myself to God, and don't necessarily need to have all the answers. God has been released from the box and is bigger than ever, and yet still tangible and ever present. What is the saying? "I may not know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future." It is wonderful to be able to let go and be.

What I do know is spiritual care, pastoral care, is my PASSION. I love it, I am called to it, and I have an energy to learn more, to explore more, to show compassion more, to help accompany others on their spiritual journeys, as it deals with life and death. Hospice has been a rich place for me; that paradoxical place of dealing with death and dying and grief, but learning and appreciating the preciousness of life. I will never say never about returning to parish ministry, but for now, I am where I am supposed to be.

So today, I am grateful for the spiritual mentors that have accompanied me along the way, who have contributed to the pastor that I am today, who have taught me a tremendous amount and loved me even through my major blunders! I am grateful to my family who have supported me not just with words but with their actions. I am grateful for the gifts that I have received along the way, in the most unexpected places, and often through the painful experiences of life. And I am grateful for the fact that the process of becoming is still happening, and hopefully will never die.

I am grateful for Jesus Christ, who has given me life and hope and modeled for me a life of love, mercy and compassion.

Susan

The Right to Know of a Terminal Condition

2008-06-23T22:42:00.000-07:00

This morning I went by a patient’s home for an initial Spiritual Assessment. I called the patient ahead of time, and she was fine with my coming over. However, when I arrived, I was met at the entry hall by the patient’s daughter and told that I needed to speak to her aunt first. After a short conversation about the role of Spiritual Care Counselor, it became apparent that the patient’s family has not told her that she is dying. It isn’t the first time I have run into this situation, and it certainly won’t be the last, but it disturbs me, every time I run across it.

There are reasons why people withhold information: Fear, Denial, fear, Cultural, fear, etc. I have seen the same scenario, where it is just a matter of time when they do feel the need to share the truth with the patient. With support, education, and encouragement, they do bring the truth into the open, and in those times they have often discovered that the reality was not as scary as their imaginations were. But the end result of continuing to keep it a secret could be a damaged relationship with the one who they were trying to protect, but who now feels betrayed since everyone in the family knew except for them. Can you imagine learning that everyone else not only knew but were making important decisions about your care without consulting you?
But actually, in most cases, the patient does know, if for no other reason than their family members are behaving differently, and are more secretive. But, they know that they feel different, weaker, etc. It becomes the proverbial gray elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about.

But there is a statement entitled : “The Dying Person’s Bill of Rights.” It was developed at a workshop on “The Terminally Ill Patient and the Helping Person,” sponsored by the Southwestern Michigan Insurance Education Council and conducted by Amelia J. Barbus.

· “ I have the right to be treated as a living human being until I die.
· I have a right to maintain a sense of hopefulness, however changing its focus may be.
· I have the right to be cared for by those who can maintain a sense of hopefulness,
However changing this might be.
· I have the right to express my feelings and emotions about my approaching death in my own way.
· I have the right to participate in decisions concerning my care.
· I have the right to expect continuing medical and nursing attention even though “cure” goals must be changed to “comfort” goals.
· I have the right not to die alone.
· I have the right to be free from pain.
· I have the right to have my questions answered honestly.
· I have the right not to be deceived.
· I have the right to have help from and for my family in accepting my death.
· I have the right to die in peace and dignity.
· I have the right to retain my individuality and not be judged for my decisions, which may be contrary to beliefs of others.
· I have the right to discuss and enlarge my religious and/or spiritual experiences, whatever these may mean to others.
· I have the right to expect that the sanctity of the human body will be respected after death.
· I have the right to be cared for by caring, sensitive, knowledgeable people who will attempt to understand my needs and will be able to gain some satisfaction in helping me face my death.”

So, the sad part to me, when I encounter a family who wants to maintain secrets, it is not only because of the lack of respect and dignity for the dying person’s ability to make decisions regarding their own dying, it is also because, the process of dying is as much a spiritual process as it is a physical one. It can be a truly beautiful one, if the dying person and their family members allow the hospice team to support them, educate them, and provide resources for them to open up to the spiritual journey. Those who have the courage to move beyond the fear, and embrace the journey before them, most often relate that it is an experience that they wouldn’t trade for anything.

A Reason, A Season and a Lifetime

2008-06-21T14:00:00.000-07:00

I had quite an amazing experience a few months ago. We had a hospice patient who came on one day and died the next, so none of us got to know him or his family very well. But his last name was the same, very uncommon name of a very dear friend of mine from Seminary, who died our second year, of Liver Cancer. I called the daughter of our patient to offer condolences, as part of our bereavement follow up. But as a part of our conversation, I asked her if by chance she had family from Montana. She said yes. To make a long story short, she is my friend's cousin! We had a delightful conversation about him. (He died 25 years ago!).
But it was when I got off the phone I thought about him more and realized what an amazing impact Mark had on my life, even though we only knew each other for a little over a year. When he was diagnosed, we had a few from the seminary who went to sing and pray for healing, and then told him to get out of his bed and walk. Mark told them to stop their healing experiments on him, and leave him alone. The second group came in and gave him a cassette tape with a "special message." His mom listened to it before she would consider giving it to him. The message was that the reason he was dying was because of unconfessed sin in his life! Let's just say, she did a ceremonial burning and Mark never heard the tape. She then asked him who he really wanted to see. He made a list of 6 people, of whom I was honored to be included.

But, it was because of Mark that I pursued Hospital chaplaincy training. I went and took an internship at a local hospital, and followed that with a part time job at another hospital, and followed that up with almost 2 year residency in CPE.(Clinical Pastoral Education). It is because of Mark that my passion is Pastoral Care, and why I am a Spiritual Care Counselor today! So, in a sense, he was in my life for just a short season, but for a major reason, that effected my lifetime!! And here I am 25 years later, as the Spiritual Care Counselor for his cousins! WHOA!! Talk about coming full circle! I asked his cousin about Mark's parents. She told me his dad died, but to her knowledge his mom was still living. His cousin gave me her address and I wrote her a letter about how Mark impacted my life. A message any mom would want to hear. I got a response back a few months ago from Mark's sister, thanking me for the letter and informing me that it arrived just a few short months after her mom's death. But she said how much she appreciated hearing about my experience, and that Mark was still remembered. Just had to share this with all of you. A very poignant day indeed!
Susan

Tom

2008-06-20T20:34:00.000-07:00

One of the greatest lessons I have learned about grief for myself is that we can never anticipate how we might respond when we lose someone close to us. Our responses will most likely surprise even us. My older and only brother died 7 years ago of a sudden heart attack. Tom was 2 years older than me, and we had gone through times (as most brothers and sisters do) of intense closeness, and separation. At the time of his death, we were unfortunately in a time of separation.

One Sat. morning in August of 2001, I went down to my office at the church to get another commentary for my sermon the next morning. It was there that I received a phone call from my mom, that Tom had been found dead in his home. He was a builder and was all dressed and ready to go to work on a project at one of his friend's. The coffee pot was full, and all he had left to do was put his boots on. Hearing the news, was so unbelievable. I screamed, "NO, NOT TOM!" I am one of the blessed people who is surrounded by close friends and thus did not have to experience this pain alone. Within minutes of getting to my home, I had a dozen close friends in my living room, and someone who would drive my son and I home. The next 2 weeks are a blur mixed with facing my parents, planning the memorial service, and all the other tasks at the time of death. The emotions of grief came at me as waves of an ocean: sometimes bowling me over, receding and then returning, but more gently.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross spoke of Grief as shock, denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and finally acceptance. And while I know these emotions exist, not everyone will experience them all, and they may experience one or more phase multiple times. But I have also experienced grief as a time of movement from orientation, to disorientation, to re-orientation. With Tom's death came a time of disorientation, because so much of how I defined myself was now changed forever. I was a sister to one brother. I was one of two children in a family. I now had no sibings, and am an only child. It has been a time, over the last 7 years of reorienting myself to who I am now, and what all the implications of Tom's absence means practically, as well as spiritually. It is a time of answering the question of who I am now without Tom. With that comes who I became because of him; this one person who shared my genetics and my history, my experiences, my joys, my sorrows.

And a big piece of my grief process was and has been how I could resolve the fact that we weren't speaking at the time of his death. Attempts for reconciliation had been made for which I am grateful. The gift for me was that I found a letter I had written to Tom in attempts to reconcile, in his home after his death. I read the letter and truly believed, even with the new information that he had died, I would not change what I had said, and that I had expressed my love for him. It was important to me that he know I loved him deeply. It was that letter that enabled me to let our silence and separation go. I forgave him and myself.

So who am I today? I am still a sister, a daughter, a friend, a pastor. And in the moments when I struggle with caring for elderly parents alone, I think how wonderful it will be for my parents when it is their time to go. They will have one child on this side of life and one on the other. I can hold their hand here, and Tom can take them by the hand and lead them to the Jesus they love, and to their family members who have gone before.

A Gaelic Blessing:

Deep peace of the running wave to you;
Deep peace of the flowing air to you;
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you;
Deep peace of the shining stars to you;
Deep peace of the gentle night to you;
Moon and Stars pour out their healing light to you;
Deep peace to you, the light of the world to you,
Deep peace to you.

Belief; An Affirmation for Those Who Have Lost

2008-06-20T14:03:00.000-07:00

This statement was written by James E. Miller. I came across it in a packet of statements from Hospice Sabbath. I found it very profound and have used it in the context of Bereavement services for our hospice, as well as at Memorial Services for our patients. I want to share it here with you as well.

" I believe there is no denying it: It hurts to lose.
It hurts to lose a cherished relationship with another,
or a significant part of one's own self.
It can hurt to lose that which has united one with the past,
or that which has beckoned one into the future.
It is painful to feel diminished or abandoned,
to be left behind or left alone.
Yet I believe there is more to losing than just the hurt and the pain.
For there are other experiences that loss can call forth.
I believe courage often appears,
However quietly it is expressed
However easily it goes unnoticed by others;
The courage to be strong enough to surrender,
The fortitude to be firm enough to be flexible.
I believe a time of loss can be a time of learning unlike any other,
And that it can teach some of life's most valuable lessons.

In act of losing there is something to be found.
In the act of letting go, there is something to be grasped.
In the act of saying "goodbye" there is a "hello" to be heard.
For I believe living with loss is about beginnings as well as endings.
And grieving is a matter of life more than death.
And growing is a matter of mind and heart and soul more than of body.
And loving is a matter of eternity more than of time.
Finally, I believe in the promising paradoxes of loss.

In the midst of darkness, there can come great Light.
At the bottom of despair, there can appear a great Hope.
And deep within lonliness, there can dwell a great Love.
I believe these things because others have shown the way-
Others who have lost and have then grown through their losing.
Others who have suffered and then found new meaning.
So I know I am not alone; I am accompanied, day after night, night after day.

************

I hope this statement brings you blessing and comfort, for those of you who may be experiencing a loss of a loved one. I first read this shortly after my brother's sudden death at the age of 46. That was 7 years ago now, and I miss him terribly still, but hopefully, I can take what I have learned out of my own grief process, and pass on the comfort that I have received.

A New Beginning

2008-06-19T21:02:00.000-07:00

well here I go, another beginning in the blogosphere. I am a pastor who has found a passion as a hospice spiritual care counselor in the Los Angeles area. I have found it a wonderful privilege to listen and to help individuals to come to a place of peace, and to address their questions of faith. I don't claim to have all the answers, and the process of coming to peace is different for each person. Each of us have different questions, and different stories. But I believe in a God who loves unconditionally, who seeks each of us, accepts us, and is abundant in grace. So hopefully, in this blog I can share some stories of individuals I have encountered in these last few years. The stories of peoples'experiences, and how they have touched me as well. As a spiritual counselor, I would be remiss if I didn't allow the stories of faith and spirit touch me, and speak to me, and inform my own journey. I would hope that if I stopped allowing others' journies to touch my own, I would quit with the understanding that I had somehow been hardened to the realities and the power of the Spiritual journey as someone dies. A journey that not only affects the patient, but their families, and all with whom they encounter along the way.