The Issue of Forgiveness

It seems that we all have situations in our lives that necessitate our forgiving one for a hurt in our lives.

One of my patients is a 41 year old single mom of 4 children, dying of cervical cancer. She was in treatment for the last two years, so was unable to work, which meant she lost her insurance etc. Her parents have been paying her rent in an apartment. From the time I met this family, it was apparent that there was some serious discord between daughter and her parents; especially daughter and mother. From the mother's perspective, the daughter and she are "different," especially spiritually. Mother is Methodist. Daughter has chosen Buddhism as her spiritual practice. But the more I listened to the interaction between the two, it was apparent to me, that beyond the different choices, there was a lack of acceptance of the daughter by her mother, not just for faith choice, but as a person. I learned that the daughter is adopted, and that as an infant she had been in many foster homes in the first few months of her life, and abused in one of them. I believe she had an attachment disorder, and the mom never really bonded with her as a baby, which set off a cycle of hurt that has lasted our patient's whole life.

Recently, as this young woman has weakened, we began discussing next steps for her, as it was quickly becoming apparent that her living alone would not work. We looked at the options: a caregiver in the home, to enable her to die at home, or possibly moving to a convalescent hospital. Obviously, her preference was to be at home. Her parents' although financially very comfortable, stated they could not only not afford a caregiver in the home, they could no longer afford the apt. she was living in. She was moved to a Seniors Apartment not too far from her home. This place is owned by a relative, and apparently gave them a good price. As her parents moved her from her apt. to her new place of residence, they discarded a lot of her things without checking with her. The items they discarded were things she had set aside for her children. She looked at me and said, "They treat me like I am already dead." She has set up boundaries between herself and her parents. She is hurt and angry. But then she said, " I know I need to forgive them, because we have to continue a relationship, and they are doing the best they can. They are not doing the best. But they are doing the best they can."

The late Lewis Smedes, a former Christian Ethics Professor at Fuller Theological Seminary, and author of the book, "Forgive and Forget" has a definition of forgiveness that is: " Surrenduring the right to get even." He says that in order for us to truly forgive, we must acknowledge that a wrong has been done. Otherwise, why would we have to forgive, right? But essentially, we are saying that with us, the cycle of hurt, violence, etc. is stopped. I find this definition very helpful, and have used it, and it works! I shared this idea with her, and she too found it helpful.

An important thought of Buddhist thought is to create an environment of peace. It is important to be in harmony with other people as well as the world around us. It is with this idea that I began to work with her, about how we can take this new place that she is living in, and create a place of peace and tranquility, as she lives out the last few weeks of her life. And part of that is how she deals with her parents as well. She has already chosen to forgive, and to remain in relationship with her parents, believing she has no real choice. And so, she has chosen the way she will respond, how she will relate, and how she will interact, in order to be true to herself.

As I left her room I noticed a book on her bedside table, which I unfortunately cannot remember the name of. But she said it is about how people choose the outcomes of their lives, in a previous life. She gave examples of alcoholism, etc. I asked her, " so this book would say that you chose to be dying of cervical cancer at age 41?" She said, "absolutely." She felt that idea made a lot of sense to her.

OK, as a Christian, and as a mom, this idea makes absolutely no sense to me! And I question how much of this young woman's perspective that she somehow "chose" the outcome of her life, to die way too young, and leave behind her children, comes from her upbringing, and her sense of never being accepted in her childhood home? And I would say secondarily, what does she need to forgive herself for?

As a Christian, I just don't believe that we choose how or when we die. There are many aspects of our lives that are outside of our control. But God is in our midst, giving us hope in hopeless circumstances & never leaving us alone.