Life's Meaning

When is that time when one decides that their life has no meaning? When is that time within when one decides they are done and want to go on to the next life? The answer is it is different for each person, but my sense is that there is a time within each of us, that maybe even we cannot name until that moment hits. We just know. . . maybe in the same way we know when we are in love, or that we need to make a major change in our lives. It is an inner sense of discerning a change within that is very profound.

Phil is a 97 year old man. He is mentally sharp, has a family who loves him and is very attentive to him. He was married for 72 years, and his wife died this last Summer. But even before she died, Phil had this question within about why he was still alive. He cannot see well, he cannot hear well, so he doesn't feel that his life has quality anymore. My suspicion is also that he, as with so many males in our culture, Phil defines his self worth by what he does, more than who he is. He cannot do much at all these days.

The next step in his thinking, after his wife died was that he is in his daughter's way from being able to move ahead in her life, because she cares for him. This idea became a huge factor in Phil's thinking. It is not unlike many seniors whose biggest fear is that they will be a burden on their children. It is the thought my mom uttered that I wrote about not long ago, "I am so sorry I am ruining your life." No matter how many times Phil's daughter told him that he is not in her way, he continues to believe that he is. Is it more from within him, that he feels his life has no meaning, therefore he is just in others' way? I think so.

Phil stopped taking all his meds and eating 25 days ago. Early into his decision and refusal of food, we spoke to him about his decision. In many dialogues with him, we arrived at a place of realizing that rather than Phil making this decision from a place of depression, it was more like a place of hope. He wasn't committing suicide. He simply had come to a place of believing his life had no more meaning and he was ready to move on. As he has made this decision, we recorded him telling life stories, and messages that he wanted to leave for his family. Those recorded stories have been put on a DVD for his family to hold on to. This ability to do something like this for his family gave him a little perk. Those stories have continued, and his son and daughter have spent every day at his side listening and taking note. He has also met his great grandson for the first time and maybe that is what he is waiting for.

Whatever it is within each of us that causes us to believe our life has no more meaning, for Phil, he is committed to moving on. He has no sense of hunger. He drinks water only, and although he has lost weight, and is getting weaker, he is moving on, not running away. He is moving ahead to what he envisions as a better life; a more complete life. He is moving on to be reunited with his loved ones; the ones he has told countless stories about. The apostle Paul says, "To live is Christ and to die is gain." In some sense, that is also what Phil's belief is. When he looks at his life and death, he sees death as a gain.

What I can say is, in my time of discussing life and beliefs with Phil, It has been a very sacred time. He is an amazing person. I have gained much from knowing him, and have come to love him deeply. His soul and spirit have touched mine in ways that I think I will be processing for years to come. I do wish for him that his time to move on will happen soon. I commend his son and daughter for their love and respect for their dad that they have taken this time out of their own lives to sit and listen, to be with each other and with him. They too have walked a difficult journey, in being the recipients of judgement from those who do not understand their willingness to let him go by not eating. But each day they have looked within, they have asked him about his hunger, and offered him food if desired. But most of all, they have patiently waited and given their dad permission to go whenever he is ready. It hasn't been easy on them, but I suspect, they will look back on this time with no regrets, and will see it as an incredibly sacred time with Phil. It is my hope for them.