Sibling Grief

My brother and only sibling died 9 years ago of a massive heart attack at age 46. It was a complete shock to our family, and it is a loss that we all still feel daily. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't remember him, think about him, and miss him. Not that I haven't gone on and lived a full and often wonderfully rich life, but there is always that sense that a part of me is missing. His name is Tom. He is the one who shared my genetics, my life history, our family stories, and the joys and frustrations of family life. There were those stories of growing up that would make us crack up until there were tears running down our faces, just with the "remember when. . ." and we both knew the story. You just had to be there. . .

When a family member dies, the emphasis is usually placed on the spouse, the parents or the children, but the Siblings are usually passed over. . .not intentionally, but nevertheless, they are. There are certain things said like: " Well, it's so good that you are there to help your parents", or "how is his or her spouse and children doing?" But very few seem to acknowledge that the sibling is grieving as well. And they are often grieving just as strongly. Their grief is real, and re-defining.

In my case, it meant an added responsibility in that I am now the only child of elderly parents, with my mom having the beginning stages of dementia. Three years ago, I had both parents in the hospital, at the same time, during Christmas, and at one time in two different hospitals. Being that I am also a single mom, and a career woman presently serving as a hospice spiritual counselor, it was quite overwhelming. I would have shared that with my brother. At least he and I would have been a support system for each other. Now, when I think of my parents eventual dying it is with the realization that my family of origin will be gone, and it will be my son and I. It sometimes feels like abandonment, but others it just feels lonely. I have tried to think about it in more creative, or positive ways, like Tom being on one side of life and me on the other for my parents. But in the day to day living, it is a sense that I once had someone to share this life with and now he is gone. The platitudes of "he's in a better place" etc. don't comfort very often, even though I believe in life after death firmly.

Grief studies speak often about the grieving person needing to redefine who they are without that person. One of my supervisors speaks of grief as more than just the loss of the person, but what that person symbolized for us. So, as we examine our emotions and process of grieving, we must look at not only the life of the person we lost, but the ways in which we related to them, what role they played in our life; friend, shared interests, advice, or someone we "took care of." In families with multiple children, at least the remaining children have other siblings, but if that one sibling who died is the one that one of them was the closest to, or the one that there were conflicts with. their grief process will be effected, and may alter the relationships with their surviving siblings as well. There will often be a process of re-negotiating the roles that each person in the family may play.

What is important is that siblings grieve as strongly as others in the family do, and need to be given the same acknowledgment as each person in the family. Just as each person grieves in their own way, each family member grieves for the loss that is real to them. Brenda Marshall discovered as many others have as well, that there is very little written material out there for sibling grief. But just in my life, even in the last couple of years, I have had at least 6 friends who have lost a sibling, and we are all talking about the sense of responsibility we feel for the others in our families, but we have also all experienced the sense that even the reality of our grief process isn't acknowledged as the others' in the family. And yet, the sibling relationship is often one of the longest relationships in the deceased's life. Support should be given to all in the family, and not added pressure as the siblings are encouraged to take care of the parents, or the children etc.

The feeling of setting aside our own grief in order to take care of the others in the family is something that happens often, but is also destructive, and only prolongs the grief of the sibling. The grief does get easier, but it never goes away. It is important to have the space and time to nurture the emotions, and find the healing necessary.

From the Inside Out

Today the message in church was how we operate in life as those who respond from the outside in? Or the Inside out? In other words, are we those who base our emotional being, our values, our psychological health, etc. on how things happen in the world around us, or do we base how we respond by our heart, our spirit, our sense of who we are because of God within?

If we are those who operate from the outside in, we will be tossed to and fro from whatever circumstances that happen in life, and we all know that life has it's good times and it's painful times. If we are guided by the outside circumstances, our emotions will be all over the place Our sense of who we are, our happiness will never be the same from one moment to the next. Worst of all, and outside in person becomes a victim to the circumstances of life.

But on the contrary, if we are those who operate from the inside out, we have an opportunity to go within and examine our hearts and our souls based on whatever circumstances may be happening in our life at the moment, and we can seek wisdom from within, listen to our hearts, seek God for wisdom, seek that place of secure hope that exists no matter what may befall us. It is from that place that creativity arises. It is from that place that new direction can occur even out of a tragedy, as we discover new things about ourselves; new strengths, or dreams that can be fulfilled based on the open door of a change in our lives. It is often in the difficult challenges of life that gifts can arise because we discover new things about ourselves that we never would have learned had it not been for the pain. It also empowers us to realize that no matter what happens to us, we are going to be ok, we will survive, and might even be more than conquerors.

One of the other points that was brought out today as that when we go inward, we are in touch with the dreams and visions of our lives, that many on the outside may be naysayers about. But if we move from the inside out, we are motivated by those dreams and visions that are given to us, no matter how others may try to discourage us. If we are guided by those dreams and visions we will move out and accomplish the unimaginable.

In my best moments, I am an inside out person. I have had too many difficult experiences where I needed to go within, and when I found that there was a strength there that carried me through. I have had too many experiences of God's presence and peace, even in the midst of deep pain, such as a death in the family, or a job loss, etc. Some of the circumstances were ones that did rock me to my core, but it was at my core that I found more than survival; I found a strength beyond my own, a new creative approach, and new understandings of myself; who I am, what is important, and who I am becoming, to know that going inside is far greater than going outside. I do not begin to claim that I am constantly an inside out person. It is not an easy thing to do, but on my best days. . . and I believe the best days are getting more frequent.