"Soul Song"

The Lectionary Gospel passage for this Sunday is Jesus' interaction with the Pharisees and Sadduccees, about Loving God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, and loving your neighbor as yourself. He then goes in and asks them what they understand about the messiah. What it means to them. On a lectionary discussion board I go to frequently, this story was shared. I find it a beautiful illustration of soul, and how when we know to whom we belong, we will live out a life of loving others as we have been loved. When we get off track, we need someone to remind us again of who we are, and to whom we belong. I love the idea that we each have a soul song.

Soul Song.

"When a woman in a certain African tribe knows she is pregnant, she goes out into the wilderness with a few women friends and together they pray and meditate until they hear the song of the child. They recognize that every soul has its own vibration that expresses its unique flavor and purpose. When the women attune to the song, they sing it out loud. Then they return to the tribe and teach it to everyone else. When the child is born, the community gathers and sings the child's song to him or her. Later, when the child enters education, the village gathers and chants the child's song. When the child passes through the initiation to adulthood, the people again come together and sing. At the time of marriage, the person hears his or her song.Finally, when the soul is about to pass from this world, the family and friends gather at the person's bed, just as they did at their birth, and they sing the person to the next life. In the African tribe, there is one other occasion upon which the villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community form a circle around them. Then they sing their song to them.The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment; it is LOVE, and the remembrance of identity. When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another. A friend is someone who knows our song and sings it to us when we have forgotten it. Those who love us are not fooled by mistakes we have made or dark images we hold about ourselves. They remember our beauty when we feel ugly; our wholeness when we are broken; our innocence when we feel guilty; and our purpose when we are confused."Our relationship with God, with our neighbor, is a song sung to our soul. And where "there is love, there is God."

Just my thoughts for this week.

Sisters From Different Mothers

Today, I am hostessing a tea for a group of ladies who have gathered together for tea and sharing lives for the last 30+ years. They are friends of more like 50 years, who as their kids were growing up and they were leading busy lives, decided to set aside time for "girltalk." So they gather for tea, once a month at each others' homes. As they are all in their 80's now, some have passed away, and on those months, they go out for tea at a teahouse of some sort. They talk, catch up on each others' lives, and have that connection of faith, fellowship, laughter, and sharing the joys and sorrows of each others' lives. "They are sisters from different mothers." As my mom has her own health issues, she is no longer able to do all the preparation of the tea, so I am doing it for her, with a little help from two "sisters of different mothers" of my own. One girlfriend, Lori, has been my closest friend since kindergarten, when our teacher pulled aside both of our mom's and said, "You have to get these girls together. They play so well together." We have been playing for 47 years now, and although we have lived in different states for the last 30 something years, we talk to each other almost daily and see each other about every other year. Toni, the other friend, is here as well. We have been friends since 10 or 11 years old. Her mom was in the tea group, and was like a second mom to me. Bets passed away 8 years ago.Toni's daughter was my flower girl in my wedding. So, Toni, Lori and I are doing the tea today, so the ladies can see them, and to keep the tradition going. We can share the next chapters.

There is a special connection between women, who have a spiritual bond, who have a history, and who share similar stories of experiences and love. The "Tea Group" are not exactly the Ya Ya Sisterhood, because they are far more tame! But they do have the history, and the understanding of each other, that enables them to come into each others' homes and just begin where they left off. There are some things that just don't even need to be spoken, because it is understood. When someone from their group is sick or passes away, the others are right there, to help them get through the grief. It was like that when we learned of my brother's sudden death. Within minutes of the news being announced, we had about a dozen people in our living room. One went up to our cabin to pick up my brother's wallet and his truck to bring it here. Others had meals coming in for the next week or so, others organized the reception following his service. But more than that, they were all holding us close, crying with us, and helping to make the burden a little lighter.

All I can say is we all need sisters like this. And our brothers need brothers like this. The spouses of these "Sisters of different Mothers" are equally present and like family. It is so important to have people, to have a community, a family of friends who you know you can celebrate with, or share burdens with. It adds a richness to life, that is immeasurable.

He's at Peace

The man I discussed in the last two posts passed away early this morning.

His wishes were granted. He went to sleep, and he had no pain.

His family surrounded him with love until he died.


Prayers for his family, as they grieve, and celebrate his long and very happy life. His wife of 63 years, said they had no regrets, and had many happy memories to remember for many years to come.


Bless them all. May God be their comfort, peace and strength.

A Blessing

Today I went to visit with the man I spoke about in my previous post. He is very weak, and was waiting for a cousin to arrive to say goodbye. Through very garbled speech, he said, "Say Something!" I asked if I could give him a blessing. He nodded his head yes.

These are the words I gave to him:

May the Lord Bless you and keep you.
May The Lord make His face to shine upon you
and be gracious to you. May the Lord lift up his
countenance upon you and give you Peace."

He mouthed "Thank you." and went to sleep.

His only requests were to go to sleep and not be in pain. So far, both are true for him. May they remain so.

Life and Death

What happens in an individual with a terminal disease, who has been pursuing life prolonging measures, and suddenly decides they no longer want to continue? For instance a person who has had a G-tube to feed him, and comes to a place of wanting it removed, knowing he will die a lot sooner if this is done?

Is this person suicidal? Not necessarily. Should every measure be done to cause this person to continue the feedings, even against his will? Should he be considered imbalanced, or unable to make a valid and rational decision? Again, not necessarily. At least not in my thinking. As a hospice spiritual care counselor, I often have patients who come to a place of not wanting to continue particular kinds of treatment, knowing it will hasten their death. But they are completely rational about it. They are just as clear in their thinking as their original decision to have the G tube to be placed earlier in their treatment. It is merely a change of decision; a deeper clarity of the quality of life that has been diminished, and a readiness to let go.

One particular patient recently made this decision. He and his wife have discussed this for about a year. At one time, they talked about wanting to die together, a sentiment that many couples who have been married for many happy years make, when they cannot fathom life without the other. This particular patient has discussed it with his nurses, and with his wife, as well as his family, but he made the decision yesterday to act on the sentiments of his heart. He knows his children are coming this weekend, and he will have an opportunity to say goodbye to them. His wife is supportive and sad, but understanding. How could you not after 50+ years of marriage?

But one of the questions we must ask is: what happens in a person when they debate an issue about life and death, for a year or more, and then come to a sudden place of saying, "No More." And secondly, what is the responsibility for those who are the caregivers? Some might say we should do everything possible to change his mind. Some might say that only God decides when our time to die might be. Some others might say, it is his right to decide whether or not to continue with life prolonging measures. Those in the right to die movement, would say we just need to respect the decision and allow them to die with dignity.

I do believe there is a definite time within each of us when we are ready to let go. There is a time when one looks within and decides that there is no quality of life, and when they decide to discontinue life prolonging measures, and pursue comfort care only. It doesn't mean they are depressed, or crazy, or suicidal. In fact, it is often a very healthy decision. It is most certainly a very spiritual decision, because it has to come from within. And it is often different for each individual. As a spiritual care counselor, it isn't my job to try to talk them out of it. Rather, it is my job to help them to sort out those very personal decisions according to their own beliefs.

One could easily argue that the continuance of artificial feedings, is only prolonging the inevitable, and thus hindering the person from dying in the natural ways. One could also assert that as long as the life prolonging measures had not been used, it most likely would have been God's timing for a person's time to die. So in a sense, respecting one's right to stop life prolonging measures, in order to allow that person to die with dignity and without pain, is also enabling them to go on to the next life. While I know that there are many in our society who do not believe in a life after death, I have seen too many patients who indicate differently; who call out to loved ones who have died before them, who are with them as they die.

It is truly a spiritual sense from within each individual that says when one is ready to die. And that time can be a truly sacred time for the patient and family, to say their goodbyes, their thank you's, their possible need for forgiveness or reconciliation, and for the individual's family to finally give their loved one permission to go. What has been a scary and painful time, can often be a truly sacred time, if allowed. It is my prayer to enable this sacredness to happen, if at all within my power to do so.

Southern California Fires

This morning we woke up to the news of the fire in Southern California yet again. With the entrance of the Santa Ana winds, usually comes fire as well. It always creates such a sense of fear and anxiety that this time it might be our home. We went through the fear of possibly losing our home a few years back when the fires hit the San Bernardino Mountains where we have a mountain home. It wasn't just the possible loss of the cabin, it was all the meaning of that place that my brother built; where he lived, and died, that makes all of those emotions come to the surface. The fear, the hope, all intermingled, and brought into a prayer for all concerned.

If we were to lose our home now, it wouldn't be the structure itself, it is the furniture inside that was made by my grandfather, the cabinets made by grandpa and great uncle, the furniture made by my brother. It would be easy to grab the documents, and the pictures; and of course to have my family with me, as well as my pets.

It is in times like this that we need to search our hearts, and to truly look at our whole values. Hopefully, if we are so blessed to still have our homes, we will extend our hand of support and assistance to those who weren't so blessed. And if we were to lose our homes, I would hope that we would put our hope and trust in the One who Created us, and in the knowledge that it isn't in that which rusts or corrupts where we hold our security.

But, my prayers are with those who are in shelters tonight; some of whom have lost their homes and belongings. My prayers are with the firefighters who are so amazing in how many homes they are able to save, in horrific conditions. My prayer is for their safety as they put their lives on the line.

My prayer is for those who are sick enough to see the Santa Ana Winds as an opportunity to start fires that take peoples' homes or cause bodily harm to others. Two lives have already been lost, as a direct result of these fires. May they stop, get help, or be caught so they can get help.

My prayer is for the homeless man living in a wood and metal shack along the freeway who was overcome by smoke and flames, and lost his life, that he will be remembered. As well as the man driving the tow truck, who died today. May they both be remembered and their families comforted.

Elections and Spiritual Integrity

While I admit that the political process of campaigns is a difficult challenge, and that it is necessary to point out the opponent's failures, or at least prove how your policies are better than theirs, what I have seen in the last couple of weeks has degraded to a tirade of lies. And while I also admit that I am a firm Obama fan, and so may be a little biased, I see McCain and Palin as being far more guilty of the blatant lies than I have seen from Barack Obama in this whole campaign. In fact, I would say that Obama has done an excellent job with taking the high road. He hasn't questioned his opponent's patriotism. He has said they have "fundamental differences."

But for all candidates, and especially for those who claim to be Christians, I need to pose the question of where faith comes in to the whole process? What impact does the personal faith of these candidates have on the talking points that they put across? I would hope that it would be moving each of them towards not only refraining from the lies, but making sure that whatever words come out of their mouths, whether they originate with the candidates themselves or are handed to them by a speech writer, would be checked out to make sure they are factual. Each of us are responsible for the words we speak. We are accountable, not only to the public of the United States, but most of all to God.

What I have seen, especially in the last couple of days, with Sarah Palin trying to tie Obama to Ayers, when he was 8 years old at the time of his actions, is unbelievable. To insight fear in the crowds, based on lies and propoganda, to the point of someone in the crowd yelling, "Terrorist" and "Kill him." with no response or attempts to stop it is inexcusable. It is not one with any sense of integrity as a proposed leader of this country, but especially as one who has been redeemed and set apart as one who is to be giving glory to God by our words and our actions. And has Sarah Palin ever heard of Video tape? Her accusations are now in print, and can be proven, and then what kind of a testimony to Jesus Christ is she? I don't think she will be hearing the words, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." It is more like "Jesus Wept."

Family

The older I get, the more I realize the importance of family, and realize how too often our families only get together for weddings or funerals, and sometimes holidays. My cousins, from N. Ireland/Scotland are visiting. So we had a reunion today, which was so much fun. It was great to catch up with them & to see my son wrestling and playing around with cousins he barely knows, but seemed to have a great connection with.

But there is something about family, that ties us to those who define who we are, who share similar stories, who remind us of our heritage, and who give us a sense of belonging. It is so important to maintain those ties that ground us.

As I was sitting there at the table with my parents and my dad's cousins who are all in their 80's now, it was very apparent that our time with them has a time limit, and that at least for me, when my parents are gone, these cousins whom I love, but whom I rarely see, will be the only family I will have, not counting my son. I began gathering phone numbers and email addresses, and realizing that if we don't take the responsibility of keeping in touch, we will get involved with our daily lives, and lose contact with each other. It happens too often. I don't want that happening with us. One of my cousins and I began talking about having a family portrait done with everyone. While the logistics of that sounds daunting, it would be great to at least try.

As much as we may be different in terms of lifestyles, political or religous preferences, etc. we still have this tie that binds us, simply because of my grandmother and her brothers (all 7 of them) who were born in Northern Ireland, half of whom moved to the USA, and half stayed in Northern Ireland. We have all gone over to visit our family in Northern Ireland, and most of them have now come over here to see us. It is great when we gather, and share our stories, and lives; our joys and sorrows; share pictures, dreams, hopes, etc.

Family, for all of it's bizarre aspects, and sometimes dysfunctional dynamics, is an awesome thing to be a part of.

But the other cool thing about family, is that we can also have family that are chosen. Family who come into our lives through a variety of circumstances and experiences, but become such a part of us that we know we can depend on them as much as we would drop everything to go be with them if needed. Those who touch our souls in those deep places and we no longer have to explain ourselves or our needs but know there is an unspoken understanding that just exists. One of my sisters is a dear friend from Kindergarten on, so about 40+ years, refers to us as "sisters from different mothers."

So my hope for all is that as we each have family, whether it be biological or chosen, that we all know who we belong to, and who belongs to us. And beyond that, I hope that we all take good care of each other.

"Sacred Depths"

Last week I attended a special training session in a discipline for communicating with Alzheimer's/dementia patients called Sacred Depths. We were with a man named Stan Tomandl, who co authored the book "An Alzheimer's Surprise Party." We observed he, his wife, and one of our chaplains with a visit with a particular woman who is non verbal, who is very contracted, and who in most circumstances, remains in a state of sleeping and a disconnect with her surroundings. The chaplain got down by her feet, so she could maintain eye contact, which she called "Eye Communion." She sang Ps. 23, in a kind of Gregorian Chant, and Tomandl and his wife held her hands, but every movement they made, to communicate with her, they told her what they would do. Any movement that she did, they allowed her to take the lead, and responded to her, naming what she had done, e/g, telling her how strong she was, as they felt her grip, etc. As the patient held their hands, Ann said, "There you are!" and the patient looked up at her and smiled. Both the MSW and the Chaplain who have been working with her for months, had never seen her smile. It was a really beautiful process to watch, of honoring her, taking an attitude of humility, and taking the time to notice her movements, even eyes blinking, in a way that many alzheimers and dementia patients are often not given. And it was SOOOO AMAZING to see how she responded to them. If anyone is interested in reading some of his material, go to http://www.comacommunication.com./ He has also used these methods with coma patients, with great and often very profound results. I can now hardly wait to go visit some of my patients and try this out!! But can you all imagine how powerful it would be to be a person who is often ignored, spoken about; but not to; misunderstood, etc. to have people who take the time to communicate with them, to honor them, to observe their non verbal communication, etc? And to let them be actively involved and in fact leading the communication/interactions. . . It is so honoring. 80% of our communication is non verbal. We who are so dependent on just words, need to learn the language. This was pretty amazing to be a part of.

It confirmed to me a belief that I have held for a long time regarding Alzheimer's and Dementia patients, that as long as there is breath, there is Spirit, and thus we can communicate with them on a spiritual level, if we but learn the language in which to do so. I have seen patients who couldn't remember their families, who remember parts of The Lord's Prayer, or a hymn, or a scripture verse they had memorized years before. I have also believed that if you were to listen to the emotions underneath the words that don't make sense sequentially, you can glean tremendous insight into the spiritual states of the patients. If we speak to that condition, and name it for them, and then pray for that, we can help them to have some kind of peace in what can be a scary and lonely time for these beloved people.

What I witnessed last week with the complete humility, and respect shown to these patients, their taking the patient's lead was a powerful experience. To people who are often ignored with the assumption they don't understand; or having their daily routines established for them, people who are not willing to take the time to listen, observe, and really connect with them, this "Sacred Depths" way of communicating is a true gift.