The Issue of Forgiveness

It seems that we all have situations in our lives that necessitate our forgiving one for a hurt in our lives.

One of my patients is a 41 year old single mom of 4 children, dying of cervical cancer. She was in treatment for the last two years, so was unable to work, which meant she lost her insurance etc. Her parents have been paying her rent in an apartment. From the time I met this family, it was apparent that there was some serious discord between daughter and her parents; especially daughter and mother. From the mother's perspective, the daughter and she are "different," especially spiritually. Mother is Methodist. Daughter has chosen Buddhism as her spiritual practice. But the more I listened to the interaction between the two, it was apparent to me, that beyond the different choices, there was a lack of acceptance of the daughter by her mother, not just for faith choice, but as a person. I learned that the daughter is adopted, and that as an infant she had been in many foster homes in the first few months of her life, and abused in one of them. I believe she had an attachment disorder, and the mom never really bonded with her as a baby, which set off a cycle of hurt that has lasted our patient's whole life.

Recently, as this young woman has weakened, we began discussing next steps for her, as it was quickly becoming apparent that her living alone would not work. We looked at the options: a caregiver in the home, to enable her to die at home, or possibly moving to a convalescent hospital. Obviously, her preference was to be at home. Her parents' although financially very comfortable, stated they could not only not afford a caregiver in the home, they could no longer afford the apt. she was living in. She was moved to a Seniors Apartment not too far from her home. This place is owned by a relative, and apparently gave them a good price. As her parents moved her from her apt. to her new place of residence, they discarded a lot of her things without checking with her. The items they discarded were things she had set aside for her children. She looked at me and said, "They treat me like I am already dead." She has set up boundaries between herself and her parents. She is hurt and angry. But then she said, " I know I need to forgive them, because we have to continue a relationship, and they are doing the best they can. They are not doing the best. But they are doing the best they can."

The late Lewis Smedes, a former Christian Ethics Professor at Fuller Theological Seminary, and author of the book, "Forgive and Forget" has a definition of forgiveness that is: " Surrenduring the right to get even." He says that in order for us to truly forgive, we must acknowledge that a wrong has been done. Otherwise, why would we have to forgive, right? But essentially, we are saying that with us, the cycle of hurt, violence, etc. is stopped. I find this definition very helpful, and have used it, and it works! I shared this idea with her, and she too found it helpful.

An important thought of Buddhist thought is to create an environment of peace. It is important to be in harmony with other people as well as the world around us. It is with this idea that I began to work with her, about how we can take this new place that she is living in, and create a place of peace and tranquility, as she lives out the last few weeks of her life. And part of that is how she deals with her parents as well. She has already chosen to forgive, and to remain in relationship with her parents, believing she has no real choice. And so, she has chosen the way she will respond, how she will relate, and how she will interact, in order to be true to herself.

As I left her room I noticed a book on her bedside table, which I unfortunately cannot remember the name of. But she said it is about how people choose the outcomes of their lives, in a previous life. She gave examples of alcoholism, etc. I asked her, " so this book would say that you chose to be dying of cervical cancer at age 41?" She said, "absolutely." She felt that idea made a lot of sense to her.

OK, as a Christian, and as a mom, this idea makes absolutely no sense to me! And I question how much of this young woman's perspective that she somehow "chose" the outcome of her life, to die way too young, and leave behind her children, comes from her upbringing, and her sense of never being accepted in her childhood home? And I would say secondarily, what does she need to forgive herself for?

As a Christian, I just don't believe that we choose how or when we die. There are many aspects of our lives that are outside of our control. But God is in our midst, giving us hope in hopeless circumstances & never leaving us alone.

"O.K. I'm Much Clearer Now!"

"I'm a little confused. Let me see if I have this straight..... * If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you're "exotic, different."
* Grow up in Alaska eating moose burgers, a quintessential American story.

* If your name is Barack you're a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.
* Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you're a maverick.

* Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.
* Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you're well grounded.

* If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran's Affairs committees, you don't have any real leadership experience.

* If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you're qualified to become the country's second highest ranking executive.

* If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you're not a real Christian.

* If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you're a Christian.

* If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.

* If , while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state's school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant , you're very responsible.

* If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family's values don't represent America's.

* If your husband is nicknamed "First Dude", with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn't register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.

*If you respect science, you're spiritually bankrupt.

*If you believe Adam & Eve and Satan shared acreage with the dinosaurs and the world is about 6,000 years old, you're qualified to appoint Supreme Court justices.

OK, much clearer now."

Sacred Depths

Because I am a hospice spiritual care counselor whose patients often have Alzheimer's or Dementia, I have often asked the question of how I can best reach these patients spiritually. The previous hospice I served told us that we were not allowed to see them, because they cannot carry on a conversation. We were told it was a medicare requirement. But that always bothered me, because even in my limited experience, I had discovered the possibility of reaching these patients if I was able to listen to the emotion underneath what they were saying. In doing this, I had accomplished having some pretty profound encounters with patients, who were said to be speaking only indiscernible babble. Being somewhat rebellious, I tried to find ways around the rules, by meeting the family members at the facilities, and that way I could talk to the patient, but chart on what the family members said. That way everyone was happy. Yes, I thought it was a pretty creative solution as well, thank you!

Well now, in my current hospice, the rule of not seeing the alzheimer's and dementia doesn't exist. In fact our hospice specializes in alzheimer's and dementia treatment, that treats the residents with dignity and has all kinds of ways of treating them in ways, such as redirecting, and a new spiritual discipline called Sacred Depths, that is a process of communicating with patients and getting to their spiritual being, below the neurological traits that we see with our eyes.

Today, I spoke with the daughter of one of our new patients, who is also a spiritual care counselor, in a different state. She relayed this conversation she had with her mom, where she wrote down all these things that her mom shared with her, about wanting to be free, of acknowledging to her daughter that she had the kind of compassion and skill to help her, speaking about the women who have struggled in her family, and much, much more. It was so exciting to hear this. Her daughter had written down the statements of content, and emotion, that her mom spoke, intermingled with strings of nonsensical speech. But when you put all of the emotionally related statements, you get a very clear picture of where this woman is spiritually. It gave me goosebumps.

It has long been my belief that until a person takes their last breath, their spirit is alive, and it is just a matter of our trying to find the key to reach them.

This gives me such hope as my own mother is in the beginning stages of dementia, and I now have the possible keys to reaching her as well, when that time comes. Hallelujah!

Susan

Religion and Politics

We have all been taught that we shouldn't discuss religion and politics. They are the two topics that are felt with the most passion, and can cause deep division amongst family members and friends of many years. But that poses a great challenge for me, because there is so much about the political beliefs I hold that are also deeply held beliefs of my faith. The two go hand in hand. So it becomes a deep challenge when I encounter brothers and sisters in the faith who believe opposite of me, and yet also feel it because of their Christian Faith.

Right now in our country, we have a huge divide. There are those in the religious right who take strong stands on abortion, war, homosexuality, and a strong stand on evangelical Christianity. In those circles, to be Christian is to be Republican, and to be Republican is to be evangelical Christian.

On the other side there are those who are equally strong in Christian commitment and faith, but take much different stands on some of the above mentioned positions. They also would say that Christianity is so much more than what we believe about abortion or homosexuality. They have taken strong stands against the war in Iraq, and believe that the religious right have ignored the Biblical injunctions regarding our care of the poor. I definitely fall in this camp. Of late, especially during the George W. Bush years, there has been a strong reaction to policies, but it goes beyond partisan differences. The differences are deeply held convictions of faith.

I have felt for many years that although I attended an "evangelical" seminary, that I no longer wanted to refer to myself as an evangelical Christian. I am pro choice. I believe that homosexuality is not a choice but how someone is born. To have some hold placards declaring, "God hates fags" is abhorrent to me, and I believe to God as well. I am vehemently against the war in Iraq, and believe that the decisions to go were immoral. But more than anything, I do not believe that being republican is synonymous with being Christian. While there are many wonderful Christians who are republican, there are also many wonderful Christians who are democrat. I am one of them! And as Jim Wallis said, "God is not a Republican, or a Democrat!" I am a woman pastor, and know completely that there are many out there who believe I shouldn't be because I am a woman. I believe that is a bunch of hooey.

Jim Wallis' book, "God's Politics: Why the Right is Wrong and the Left Doesn't Get It." is a wonderful book. It gave voice to a huge community of Christians, who were mistakenly staying silent, out of not wanting to be associated with a definition of Christianity that didn't fit. Wallis challenged Christians to speak up, to use our voices, and to vote our conscience. His second book, The Great Awakening is discussing the result of God's Politics, and the Awakening that is happening across the country, regarding Christians who are very strong on our responsibility to the poor, to addressing issues of poverty, homelessness, and issues of social justice. It was the needed shot in the arm, or perverbial kick in the butt to get going, and use our voices.

So, I for one, am doing my best, by the grace of God to live out my faith, which includes in the polling booth. It is the place that I believe is a sacred place of responsibility, accountability, and in some very real ways, an act of worship.

And I have to declare that I will not be voting for John McCain and Sarah Palin. I in fact, am a Mama for Obama!!! Amen? AMEN!!