Sibling Grief

My brother and only sibling died 9 years ago of a massive heart attack at age 46. It was a complete shock to our family, and it is a loss that we all still feel daily. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't remember him, think about him, and miss him. Not that I haven't gone on and lived a full and often wonderfully rich life, but there is always that sense that a part of me is missing. His name is Tom. He is the one who shared my genetics, my life history, our family stories, and the joys and frustrations of family life. There were those stories of growing up that would make us crack up until there were tears running down our faces, just with the "remember when. . ." and we both knew the story. You just had to be there. . .

When a family member dies, the emphasis is usually placed on the spouse, the parents or the children, but the Siblings are usually passed over. . .not intentionally, but nevertheless, they are. There are certain things said like: " Well, it's so good that you are there to help your parents", or "how is his or her spouse and children doing?" But very few seem to acknowledge that the sibling is grieving as well. And they are often grieving just as strongly. Their grief is real, and re-defining.

In my case, it meant an added responsibility in that I am now the only child of elderly parents, with my mom having the beginning stages of dementia. Three years ago, I had both parents in the hospital, at the same time, during Christmas, and at one time in two different hospitals. Being that I am also a single mom, and a career woman presently serving as a hospice spiritual counselor, it was quite overwhelming. I would have shared that with my brother. At least he and I would have been a support system for each other. Now, when I think of my parents eventual dying it is with the realization that my family of origin will be gone, and it will be my son and I. It sometimes feels like abandonment, but others it just feels lonely. I have tried to think about it in more creative, or positive ways, like Tom being on one side of life and me on the other for my parents. But in the day to day living, it is a sense that I once had someone to share this life with and now he is gone. The platitudes of "he's in a better place" etc. don't comfort very often, even though I believe in life after death firmly.

Grief studies speak often about the grieving person needing to redefine who they are without that person. One of my supervisors speaks of grief as more than just the loss of the person, but what that person symbolized for us. So, as we examine our emotions and process of grieving, we must look at not only the life of the person we lost, but the ways in which we related to them, what role they played in our life; friend, shared interests, advice, or someone we "took care of." In families with multiple children, at least the remaining children have other siblings, but if that one sibling who died is the one that one of them was the closest to, or the one that there were conflicts with. their grief process will be effected, and may alter the relationships with their surviving siblings as well. There will often be a process of re-negotiating the roles that each person in the family may play.

What is important is that siblings grieve as strongly as others in the family do, and need to be given the same acknowledgment as each person in the family. Just as each person grieves in their own way, each family member grieves for the loss that is real to them. Brenda Marshall discovered as many others have as well, that there is very little written material out there for sibling grief. But just in my life, even in the last couple of years, I have had at least 6 friends who have lost a sibling, and we are all talking about the sense of responsibility we feel for the others in our families, but we have also all experienced the sense that even the reality of our grief process isn't acknowledged as the others' in the family. And yet, the sibling relationship is often one of the longest relationships in the deceased's life. Support should be given to all in the family, and not added pressure as the siblings are encouraged to take care of the parents, or the children etc.

The feeling of setting aside our own grief in order to take care of the others in the family is something that happens often, but is also destructive, and only prolongs the grief of the sibling. The grief does get easier, but it never goes away. It is important to have the space and time to nurture the emotions, and find the healing necessary.